Friday, July 31, 2009


I called A last night to find out what was going on and she told me she had already moved out. One of their boxers is getting old and the other male (both are fixed) has been attacking him trying to take over leader of the pack. The other night it escalated into a knockdown drag out with A getting bit on the foot and the hand, a dent put in her car door and a screaming match between her and J ensued over the possible injuries to the old one. From what I gather she just grabbed the offending Boxer, her favorite Wiener dog and went and slept on the floor of the new apartment with the clothes on her back and the two dogs. It's a mess.

Long story short, she went back last night for her clothes and some blankets and pillows and she brought Scarlett with her so I could pick her up. When I walked into the door of the apartment, Scarlett pretty much crawled up my butt and stayed there. She could give two craps about them...LOL which is how it has always been when I came over. So needless to say, putting her in my car and taking her home didn't really phase her at all. DH bathed her and we clipped the knots out of her fur and through it all she just stared at us adoringly and kept bumping her head up under our hands and flipping over for a belly rub.

Tedda has done really well with her so far. Cody on the other hand is a giant tense ball of hormones which really blows my mind because she's fixed. All this poor dog wants to do is hump her. I think he thinks we bought him his very own blow up doll or something. She snaps at him when he gets too aggressive (or near me) but that just seems to be a bigger turn on. It's kind of funny but lordhavemercy I feel sorry for her (and for him a little bit). We are doing our best to keep him calm and control the situation for both their sakes but there is only so much we can do, they have to work it out and hopefully when he figures out she is going to stay, he will calm down.

The whining, OMG the WHINING. We had to seperate the crates because his whining was insane. We put her in our bedroom with her crate on my side of the bed which worked pretty well. She whined a few times when I got up to Pee but settled back down when I told her to. Cody on the other hand, every time he heard the slightest movement, he started whining from two rooms away. It was awful. I don't think he slept a wink, and if he keeps it up will probably pass out soon from exhaustion. Maybe even from dehydration as there are little "doggie wienie drips" all over my house where he can't quite contain his excitement. It's bad enough rolling over into your own sexual juices but having a morning snuggle watching the news and rolling over into doggie juices is completely gag worthy. My poor little boy has issues!

Anyway, she is happy and healthy and is already queen of the sofa (and of me). It takes surgical equipment to remove this dog from me I swear. I can go anywhere in the neighborhood/yard and she doesn't get more than 10 feet from me and comes running back at her name all happy to see me as if its been years. It's so cute and I think DH is a slight bit jealous as he is so used to being the one with a wiener dog attached to him. LOL

I will post pictures hopefully this weekend. We are taking a day trip to Boone, NC tomorrow to do some shopping on King Street (browsing the novelty shops, antique stores etc.). Believe it or not, we are making a 2 hour trip (one way) for FLIP FLOPS. This special kind of flip flop called Locals that DH used to buy in Hawaii. He has been hunting for them for years and this little shop in Boone is carrying them. So we are going to make an afternoon of it and eat lunch and enjoy it a bit. Maybe I will find a fantastic new collar for Scarlett.

Oh yea, the baby stuff: Ute hurts, Ovaries hurt and I don't want to be touched. Yea, its conclusive, my right ovary sucks a thousand burning suns.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Time Flies

Where has the week gone? Last week was the slowest week EVER with long drawn out days. This weekend was meh, but when Monday hit, it was like, GOD not another week! Holy cow it is THURSDAY! One more day until the Weekend! Do you realize this?

Which also means, ONE MORE NIGHT till I get Scarlett!! (maybe). I had to go to PetSmart yesterday to pick up dog and cat food and I admittedly detoured to look at collars and toys for her. I could not bring myself to buy anything though. It's that whole silly superstitious JINX thing I have going which is why I don't buy baby stuff either. *sigh*

Anyway, I don't know how it got to be Thursday already (and I still haven't exercised) but I have been very productive both at work (which is why I am mostly MIA on BOTB)and home. I've given myself set tasks to do before I let myself relax after work. My energy has improved (and housework is exercise right?)and I can finally tell that things are getting done. It will really show this weekend when I don't have as many household items to do and can get out and tackle my jungle..err I mean yard. Maybe I will even get to use my pool (don't hold your breath).

My diet yesterday was not a total bust. I was short 12 ounces of water from my minimum goal and I had some high fat foods but I don't consider myself fallen off the wagon (just hitting a speedbump). I packed better items today. All in all, not too shabby of a week so far! Yay for small pleasures and surprises.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

IF WisDUMB from My Mother

On the news both last night and this morning, they ran a segment on the Swine Flu Pandemic and the upcoming vaccines. In the segment they stated that among those more susceptible to death after contracting Swine Flu were pregnant women.

So on the phone with my mother this morning, she says "I saw this segment on Swine Flue (which I had already seen) and it said Pregnant Women were more susceptible to death due to swine flu then others, so see its a good thing you can't get pregnant. You should wait till all the vaccines are out and this pandemic is over."

I told her to STFU and don't say shit like that to me and hung up.

I have come to the conclusion that she doesn't want me to have children. She can't possibly have enough time and love for more grandchildren since she is so consumed with my sister and her two children so she looks at my IF as a blessing to her. I really hate the fact that I'm starting to have hateful feelings for my mother more and more frequently.

I really really need to quit talking to her. I do this to myself by continuing to look for affection and support from her. When will I learn this lesson? Apparently, I'm pretty thickheaded and dimwitted myself because I keep going back for more.

"Mother, will you kick me again please? I like it and am starving for affection." ::palmface::

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Theme: Change continues

I've taken this opportunity (if you can call a lack of baby an opportunity) to continue on my path of better living which will hopefully bring the baby to the womb. I've made some major changes in lifestyle over the past two years. It's time to make more changes. I'm trying to cut out caffiene. Not totally just get it down to a reasonable amount because, well, I'm a caffiene junky. I've had it under control for the most part but I'm beating myself up over maybe it still being too high which is causing me not to concieve (probably not related but whatever).
I'm increasing my water in take drastically and going back to healthier eating on a more consistent basis. Oh yea, and I'm finally going to start working out regularly..I swear. Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred, I'm gunning for you. My much anticipated treadmill that has not been used like it should, be prepared.
I haven't quite got the timing and energy levels worked out yet, but I'm working on it. This low caffiene, massive water purge coming off of major Menstration has left me exhausted and beat down. My goal is to be kickin' it by this weekend.
Water: 64 ounces minimum a day-check
Coffee-half calf one cup per day-check
Soft drinks- one per day MAX-check
Healthy balanced food-Check
Exercise-not so much

Goal today: Cook dinner when I get home so I'm not eating late and clean house so I don't sit down and not get back up.

BTW: As it stands right now, Scarlett will come home Friday but I'm not holding my breath that its not all going to change as these two are just trying to be cruel to each other and the dogs and property are getting caught in the crossfire.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Lazy Weekend

I did absolutely NOTHING this weekend. My cramps and blood clots were not nearly as bad as previous cycles but enough to be annoying and uncomfortable. I ran some errands with DH Friday night and Saturday night but that was it. We stayed close to home and I did nothing but watch movies and read. (Okay, laundry and dishes does not count).
Now its a Sunday night, its storming so I can't take a shower, and I'm worn out from my weekend of doing nothing. WHAT GIVES?
To top it off, there is turmoil (ofcourse, it is a DIVORCE) in A and J's split and they are fighting over the dogs now which is just being selfish and mean and no one is actually taking CARE of the dogs nor have their best interest at heart so it is up in the air on when I am getting Scarlett. (I'm not going to say IF I get her because I think both will realize its the best thing for her and give their blessings). For now though, I can only chill and let them do their thing when what I want to do is go to their house, love on their dogs, and pack SCarlett up and bring her home. Every so often this weekend, I kept thinking, if Scarlett were here, she would be curled up on the sofa with me right now. If Scarlett were here, she would be showing me love while I'm in pain etc. Not that my animals don't show me love but Tedda is old and doesn't get on the furniture (arthritis and jumping, not her thing anymore), the cat, well the cat loves me when she wants to but can't be counted on to cuddle for any length of time unless she feels like it, she is a cat after all. That leaves Cody. Cody is definately a Daddy's boy and between the two is almost ALWAYS going to choose Stephen. So I have to say I'm looking forward to having Scarlett around.
For now? Another weekend wasted thanks to my hateful ute. My uterus has completely taken over my life, in a bad way.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Frankly, My Dear, I don't Give a Damn.

That's right, after all the worry and the stress, DH said he didn't care if we got Scarlett. So just to be clear I said " YOu really don't care?" DH: "It's up to you." ME: "Well if its up to me, I'm bringing her home. Did you hear that Cody? I'm bringing your girlfriend home."

Of course all of this happened while waiting on AF (which showed up this morning) so I was a complete emotional person and my voice broke and the tears started welling up half way through me telling him about the upcoming divorce and Scarlett. So in retrospect the poor man probably wouldn't have dared tell me no even if he wanted to. His only rule: She can not sleep in the bed. He is adamant about no pets in the bed, which he had to amend to no dogs in the bed, because between him and my cat, my cat wins every time. Meh, it was her bed first and being a cat, she isn't about to amend her routine to suit him. I think he's getting used to having his feet attacked at night and occasionally being suffocated by a furry fat ass across his face. (This is the reason we will not be co-sleeping, co-sharing with a baby in any way shape or form.)

A doesn't want me to come get her (Scarlett) until next weekend when she is moving. I understand, she wants more time with her, but I hate that it will put Scarlett under more stress, with all the packing, the in and out, us helping her move and then BOOM, that night in a new place and we won't have a good solid weekend to get her adjusted before she will be stranded during the day. My saving grace is that she has been to my house a few times, has had several play dates (and sexual rendezvous) with Cody, and A is giving me her (very nice and expensive) crate so hopefully she won't become too depressed. I will have to walk a fine line with giving her a lot of attention to make her feel at home and giving Tedda enough attention she doesn't become Depressed Jealous. OY VEY. What have I done? I have welcomed another furry addition to our family and I will work it out. (Secretly I can't wait to buy her cute collars and stuff. Tedda is too furry to wear pretty collers and stuff: trust me I buy them, and they get lost in her scruff, plus she's a tom boy). I've never had an overly prissy dog, so this will be fun! Poor DH is not going to be happy with that..LOL.

As soon as I get her, I will post pictures to introduce her. I'm going to try and get a family portrait with all the dogs. (My infertility has caused me to be even more of a crazy furbaby mama!)

So thank you ALL for walking me through my decision yesterday and supporting me while I mentally psyched myself into this. Hopefully you will all still support me when I go nuts during the transition!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Change is in the Wind (long)

Change is inevitable. What we want to change rarely does and what we fear comes to pass. As I am on the brink of changing cycles, the world is changing too fast around me. I’m wholly centered within myself (in the area of my ute) on this lifechanging undertaking of future children and family and at the end of a cycle when I come up for air and take the time to assess, I find the world is falling apart.
UTE News: We are doing another cycle of Clomid and Met. Dr. was very impressed with my cycle chart for this cycle and wants us to do exactly that this month. So here goes. The end. (My LP is longer this time as well).
I will not pull a Dooce and become political in my baby blog, but needless to say I am not at all happy with the current administrative shenanigans and the economical path we continue to go down as a nation. Enough said.
The latest news on J is that he is happily ensconced living between my IL’s house and My BIL’s house but BIL is being fairly responsible with him and keeping him with him quite a bit. The investigation and subsequent custody case is still ongoing. BIL will not sign him over to anyone should he get all rights to the child. He wants her to see him every other weekend so he can collect child support FROM HER. Whatever. ::walks away from thinking about situation further at this point:: I can not afford the stress and heartbreak right now so I will let the situation do what it is going to do, since I have no choice over the matter at this point.
In further news, I am considering expanding my furry family. I know, I know, I just talked about downsizing our responsibilities and putting our horses up for sale, but this is a very unique situation that involves MORE CHANGE beyond the furbaby kind. Our other set of Best Friends that we hang out with on a constant basis have decided to split up. Their situation has been on a death spiral and we had just recently come to the decision to distance ourselves from them because their fights had started spilling over into our hang out times. Pretenses of civility were gone and we were being uncomfortable witness to the drama. I was even put into the position of discussing ramifications of decisions with their 12 yo daughter on Sunday. AWKWARD. We all knew it was coming and it is probably for the best but it leaves behind a mess of a broken family. Children fortunately are not involved as the son is his, the daughter is hers, and they have no children together. But they do share ownership of a Kennel including 10 pure blood dogs: 3 Boxers, 1 Cain Corso (Italian Masstiff) and 5 Doxie’s including a shared ownership of MY DOXIE. Her name is on the papers for my Doxie. Brief history: He was a co-owner deal with a friend of hers, when he was a year old she found out that her friend was going through marital trauma and had confined Cody to a 10x10 dog lot with large boxers where he was not getting food, had been injured and was dying from starvation. She “repossessed” him so to speak and asked us to foster him until she found a home. We did, nursed him back to health and she begged us to keep him for free (He’s a 500.00 dog and has excellent bloodlines) because she knew he was happy and had come such a long way from his nervous, shy, beaten down self to the happy, loving, joyful, playful dog he is today. We never did anything with the papers though.
Fast forward to Christmas Eve: BEFORE we got Cody, I always threatened to take her dog Scarlett (who looks IDENTICAL to Cody) because I loved her so much. Out of all the people that visited her house, Scarlett loved me the best and even preferred me over A (her owner). A always said when she retired Scarlett or should anything happen to her, she wanted Scarlett to go to me. Christmas Eve came and Scarlett went into labor with her 3rd and final litter of puppies (Cody was the father and we had a waiting list a mile long for the puppies). Complications arose (large breach puppy got lodged) and I got a call at midnight from A that she was at the emergency vet and they would not operate until she paid cash up front. She was severely short because she had just finished Christmas shopping and could only get so much out of the ATM at a time anyway per bank rules. Stephen and I didn’t think twice, we jumped in the car and drove home from the mountains at lightening speed to arrive at the vet. A was a complete mess because the vet was going to put her down since she didn’t have the money. A very bad conversation ensued between me and the vet. I was irate. Stephen and I did not think twice and plunked the money down (basically shoved it in the bitches face) and told her to get her ass back there and save that dog. I sat in that waiting room for three hours with A until Scarlett was saved. We lost all the puppies but Scarlett was alive. I never regretted that decision because even though it delayed us fixing DH’s car by four months, we saved a life. The next week, A lost her job. They still owe us $360.00.
Fast Forward to Now: A just texted me that they are splitting up: Do I want Scarlett? If I don’t take her, she will adopt her out to a pet home at a stranger’s house. My heart is breaking. We aren’t ready for a third dog. My Alpha female is 12yo and I feel bad bringing in another dog to take her attention in her last few years. But this is SCARLETT (who is not Alpha in any way shape or form). This is my heart and Cody’s best girlfriend. They love each other. This is the dog that hangs out with me at A’s house and comes to my house to visit and is always excited to see me. This is the dog I stayed in the hospital crying for to make sure she lived, and plunked down more money then the dog is worth to save her. This is SCARLETT, the dog I was planning on getting in 2-3 years anyway. She is already fixed, her shots are current and she weighs all of 9 lbs so its not like she eats much. I don’t know what to do. Steve and I will have to discuss it tonight but I’m confused on which way I want it to go..whether I want to be responsible and say I would love to have her, but we can’t, or if I want to push for her. It is SCARLETT. A is transferring Cody’s paperwork and vet records to my name now so that is no longer an issue. We would of course get Scarlett’s papers as well so we can continue to do Earth Dog trials with both of them.
I know it doesn’t seem like a big decision, but it is. I have two dogs, a cat and a bird in the house. The dynamics would change bringing in a female dog who is definitely a Diva. I’m sure everything would be fine after a few weeks of adapting routine etc. but it would be a change. What do I do?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Official BFN

I couldn't sleep this morning, I'm not sure why. I just had a wierd feeling. Hope had sprung anew. Today was the day AF would show her dirtywhore face which means today would be my temperature drop. I knew if my temperature did not plummet I was digging out that HPT and testing. I was excited. I took my temp. It dropped from yesterday but was still high and right in line with the rest of my temps for the past week. So I took the HPT. I turned it this way and that, nothing, nada, zip. It might as well had a big glaring Neon sign that said "LOSER" or "No Chance in Hell, Bitch."

I plastered a groggy before coffee smile on my face, chuncked the little pink and white plastic bastard in the trash and trotted out of the bathroom to start my day. All of this time I have calmly known that I was not pregnant this month. I accepted it. I emotionally crashed and moved on. Somehow, I still set myself up at the last minute for utter failure and rejection by my own body. I'm pissed at myself for doing that to myself. I knew better. As I sat on the bed with the cat at my feet and my dog in my lap, watching the morning news, drinking my bitter half caff coffee with no sugar (as I am trying to make my body a habital environment for a fetus), I realized, WTF am I doing this to myself for? Is my life so bad without children? DH asked me what was wrong but I told him nothing.

Nothing is wrong, besides the same old shit that my body hates me, but we have established that and there is absolutely no point in discussing it at 6:30 a.m. when I have had very little coffee. My life is not a bad life. There are things I need to do to improve it (pay off debt, downsize some of our obligations and responsibilities to alleviate stress) but its not a bad life. It just feels empty and as if we are not progressing. My future feels wrong, lonely and bleak if I try to imagine it without children.

I have not learned the art of patience very well. I've been forced into limbo by not succeeding but that doesn't mean I'm patient. That is definately a lesson I need to learn as my age creeps up and my life ticks by, its hard to learn patience.

I guess tonight will come the discussion with my husband on what we do from here and tomorrow will be the call to my Dr. to verify what our options are for the next cycle. Do we want to bother with Clomid again since my Right ovary has shown no signs of cooperation or give the Clomid a break and just do Metformin this month? Do we try Clomid again the next cycle or are we giving up for awhile. These are decisions I am faced with yet again but its not just my decision which is both comforting and bothersome. I don't have to blame myself solely for giving up if it is a joint decision but at the same time if I'm too tired to continue, I don't have the total say if DH wants to try One more month etc. This is ultimately the part I hate. The end of a cycle, decision time.

Monday, July 20, 2009

It's Almost Over

The 2WW that is. I can not believe how fast it flew by this time. No excitement, no desire to test, nothing. AF is due to arrive tomorrow. I'm in this super mellow state of submission. Submission to whatever will be will be. I'm not exactly dissappointed but resigned to AF and a little ready to start a new cycle. I feel like I should be MORE dissappointed because our timing and everything was good which leaves more issues than just not ovulating. Maybe I got it all out of my system in my mega break down last week. I finally sat down and showed DH why my chart was not a BFP chart so I think he's over his excitement as well.

It's a little surreal. I'm starting to stall myself on some things because I don't want to move forward knowing we are doing so without a child when some of the things are for a child. I don't know. It's a very odd feeling right now. I'm exhausted, I didn't sleep well, I'm overwhelmed and yea, maybe there is a bit of dissappointment lurking in there as well.

I don't even know what to write much less feel like writing, so I'm a little unsure why I'm even here pecking at the keys.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Complete and Total Melt Down

It happened. I cracked. I was innocently driving home from the grocery store and was completely overtaken by emotion and hormones. There I was, driving 35 miles per hour through tears, beating my hand against the steering wheel and begging God to give me a baby. I did it all, I bargained, I pleaded, I begged, I cried, I screamed. Every commuter on my road now thinks there is a psycho driving a yellow convertible mustang.

My story does not end here however. My meltdown was not yet complete. I had control again for about two hours. In that time, I sat there snapping beans, stressing over all the things I had yet to do while DH snored on the sofa with his Man Cold. So I get up to let the dogs out and when I open the door there is someone walking their dog down my road. I grab my chowchow and hang on to her and my Doxie in all his 13lbs of ferocious glory charges out to the edge of the yard to bark. The lady starts yelling at him to go home. Well you stupid bitch, he IS home. He is STANDING IN THE YARD 10 feet from the road. You have a Collie that is atleast 40 lbs STFU. Ofcourse I'm yelling for the little brat but he totally ignores me. Her dog freaks out, twists out of his collar and runs. He RUNS from a 13lb Doxie. What a wus. When he twists free, I thought OH GOD, He's going to come in my yard and attack my dog, and Tedda starts growling really low so I'm hanging on to her for all I'm worth because she would tear that dog limb from limb if he comes in the yard. He didn't. The moment passed but I started crying because I looked like a screaming banshee in my own yard and that pissed me off.

Then my little brat wouldn't come back to me because he knew he had been I had to chase him down and I spanked him. One Pop (yes, I pop my dogs, I also give them time outs. My dogs are very well behaved and know exactly what they did wrong and why they are being punished and if you don't like it you can kiss my ass) but it was too hard and I knew it before I was doing it. It didn't hurt him, but he yelped as if I had stabbed him and ran in the house and jumped in his crate. My Doxie is a drama King. Major Drama King and his little feelings get hurt easily. You can look at him cross eyed and he gets upset. It is not necessary to pop him except on rare occasions because he does get his feelings hurt so easily. Time outs work great for him. I know this, I knew it at the time, I did it anyway which made me feel worse and like a monster and that got me more upset.

I KNEW better then to go feed the horses but I did it anyway because I thought it would help me calm down. My heart, my soulmate, he died when we moved into the house and I know the horses we have now just don't do it for me. They are asses and they showed their asses last night. As I opened the stall door to go in, the boys, tried to invade my personal space and run me over for the food. If you have never had two 1100 lb small draft horses that wrap around each other like eels because they are twins try to take advantage of your space, well you are lucky. It's not a pleasant feeling. I screamed bloody murder at them, at which they jumped back and pawed the ground and looked at me as if I had lost my damn mind, which ofcourse I had. I was consumed with so much rage and hate and anger it was not healthy. My skin became hot, I started sweating, I turned red, I was crying boiling tears, I couldn't breathe. I sat in the hammock under the deck and called Sarah.

I told her everything and she calmed me down and we figured it out. I don't ovulate. Therefore I don't have the same hormones everyone else has that triggers PMS etc. I'm not used to emotional swings of this nature. I'm not accustomed to the PMS bloat, crampiness, twinges etc. that are so often connected with both PMS and pregnancy. So when the meds straighten out my hormones and allow my body to function properly, its hard not to obsess over these feelings even though my temperature tells me they are a lie. (As well as FF with your 77pregnancy points. FUCK YOU FF). Because I do not normally have them, my brain tells me the truth, my body tells me something else, and throw in a bunch of hormones I'm not used to and you have psycho crazy lady driving down the road in a mustang screaming like a banshee and beating her animals.

I am what nightmares are made of. Then I started crying again. Why would God give me a child when I turn into this monster? Who would want to see me as a mom? I've always thought I was an excellent mom to my animals. My Chowchow knows 45 commands. She's 12 yo and everyone wants her. My Doxie has come a long way and while he isn't the brightest lightbulb in the world he is learning and everyone loves him as well. My cat is a Diva. I don't know if I've ever lost control like that before but if I'm capable of losing control because my hormones go crazy, what else am I capable of.

Today, I feel empty and hollow. DH tried to comfort me last night when he woke up and I told him what had happened. He tried to be sweet and tell me it didn't matter, that he wouldn't leave me if I couldn't give him a family (which is one of my big fears), that we would just BUY a family if we had to hang out at highschools hunting for scared pregnant teenagers and put ads in the PennySaver like Juno to do so. I'm toying with going ahead and putting our name on the list for foster/adopt. I'm confused and I'm torn. Part of me doesn't want this cycle to end because I want time for a little more hope but then when I enter another temp that doesn't help the chart I am ready to start over.

I believe in the power of dreams. I think some people have something extra that allows them to see events as they unfold. Steph dreamed that I got a BFP after Lucas front teeth poked through. He's teething now. Maybe I will keep at the drugs for two more months. Until then, I am going to try to get through today without being bitter and depressed with emotional outburts. I'm going to go home tonight, primp and go on a date with my husband and see Harry Potter. I REFUSE to become Psycho crying beatmydog lady today (and my dog has forgiven me and I spent extra time cuddling with him in the bed this morning). I am NOT an evil person I swear.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

FF Pregnancy Monitor

So I have the "free VIP" trial on FF. Ofcourse the one option that VIP's get that I want to use and they do not give me, is "find BFP charts like yours." Bastards. If I want to torture myself and provide myself with a little bit of hope in the face of my devastation, then you should damn well let me. The only thing you have "given" me is the Pregnancy Monitor where you give me points if I'm constipated.

Symptoms: constipated (despite my splurge of chinese food, fiber and fruit), bloated, fatigued, crampy (probably from my intestinal blockage)...whoohoo 67 points for pregnancy. OY VEY. come on REALLY? Basically you are telling me that if people enter symptoms that can be explained by PMS, poor diet, or a cold you give me pregnancy points? DUMBEST THING EVER.

Quit toying with me.

In other news, I have really been toying with taking a mini vacation of some sort. Blair's post only confirmed that I need to do this. We never had a honeymoon and every "vacation" we get (rare moments when someone will actually feed our horses for us which has happened ONCE in the past three years for Christmas) we end up visiting the inlaws and wasting a weekend on their sofa and being drug to walmart etc. with them in their daily lives. BORING. I want to REALLY get away.

Necessities for Minivacation:
Driving distance (within 6hrs)
Cheap accomodations
Limited Budget
Things to see and Do
Preferably NOT the beach (as DH can't stand the beach)

So far I've come up with:
Charleston (based on Blair's post and the recommendation for years from BFF)
Atlanta (My cousin lives there and would welcome us with open arms and no pressure to hang around)
Williamsburg/Busch Gardens/Jamestown (DH's grandparents live there and have a free room but it would feel like a family visit even though they won't care if we are gone during the day).
Asheville (Biltmore house, horseback riding, antique shops/museaums-but DH isn't real thrilled about seeing the Biltmore)
Cherokee (we would both love to go but DH really wants to do a Sweat Lodge and you have to be invited and since my grandfather died I don't have any relatives who have taken time to register with the reservation and tribe)

If we use family connections for places to stay then we have more money to explore/shop/do things during the day. However, I'm not sure that would "FEEL" like a vacation. I really want it to be just the two of us. We have NEVER had that. UGGH

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

BOTB Post of the Week

This post is brought to you by the day Tuesday in conjunction with Wednesday. We were visited by our very own Self-righteous little catholic girl today. Magan23 from Dallas who is a 26yo Nanny does not know her body, her catholic teachers are idiots and her parents never taught her manners. Her original post:

I'm Catholic and trying to conceive. In my NFP class, they said I was fertile for only 1 or 2 days. Then the rest of the month I'm completely infertal. Is this true?? My husband travels and it's hard to "try" when he's on his schedule and I'm on mine!!!

My friends say to still TTC all month and it will happen. I definetly dont MIND trying all month, but I just dont want to get my hopes up if we don't do it during the peak time of month.

After much education on the part of many BOTB regulars on the incorrectness of her information and the improper use of the word Infertility, she proceeded to get angry and insulting (thought she did not do a very good job at it). My favorite post I believe would be this one (I think she was speaking directly to Mandy but I'm not sure since she couldn't figure out the Quote function.

s this what you do all day? Be a "bully" on message boards? Get a life honey, Youre not cool.
And heather. Your stupid too.
or maybe this one:

"I was just trying to learn about something. Get off my back. Why are you such a RUDE B. Why do I need to find another website for asking a simple question? I guess this is what I get, trying to get advise from such a dumb person. Get over yourself, I'm not going anywhere. " Said right before she DD'd.

I can't decide. She was a walking classic and I could only wish that she stayed around a bit longer. Oh well. In my small blog world she earned her right to a post of history.

Maybe just a little bit Neurotic

It's another month and another failure. I know this. My chart suckage confirms this. My crampy ute and some of the worst PMS bloat I've ever had (or maybe I'm in denial over how much Amish Friendship bread I've actually eaten) confirm the suckage. I can not help but hold out the smallest flicker of hope until AF shows though.

When she does, it will be another slide into depression I'm sure. Yesterday, I had to walk away from the computer when I visited some boards etc and realized how far people were along...with their second baby. I remember when they had their first. Here I am, still struggling to get pregnant for once in my life in the face of toddlers and second pregnancies.

Cute conversations between DH and I are great for blog material but the underlying truth can not be ignored: Even he is questioning continuing with meds which leaves us where? Reviewing our insurance information it does not cover any Fertility Treatments or "unnatural conception including IVF etc.".

I keep coming back to that whole "Why am I being punished scenario." I'm questioning my faith, religion, EVERYTHING about my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt when I get that final confirmation that this is another cycle bust, I am going to be absolutely devastated. I can already feel the tide of despair lapping at my feet. With every temperature, the tide goes higher.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Neurotic 2WW

I doubt I will be one this month. Nothing close to what I was the first time around unless something seriously changes. I don't feel it at all. We had good timing, I knew the day I was ovulating. Everything went very similar to the first time without the severe pain. FF confirmed.

My temperatures are not very high over the coverline and on an overlay are not much different from previous two BFN months. The pain in the lower left around my left ovary has kicked BACK in and I'm almost afraid it didn't really ovulate. I don't know. This crampy bloated pain needs to go away. I think this may be a sign that my luteal phase is going to be extremely short (maybe thanks to the metformin?) and I will be fighting that Biddy AF sooner then normal. ARGH.

I can't win. I need painless, non bloated, pee-free sleep, SOON!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Chart Suckage

I really don't have much to say. Except FF is saying I O'd when I thought I did but my chart sucks. That is all.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Clomid: A New kind of Terrorism

As my husband is lying on the bed with his penis out, making comments and gestures, this is the conversation that transpires:

ME: “Are you really horny or something honey?” (I know, kind of a duh question with a man)

DH: “I’m trying to impregnate you. I can’t take many more months of this Clomid/Met stuff”

ME: “How do you think I feel?”

DH: “Yea, but you are like a terrorist. You strapped the bomb to your chest and I’m just the innocent bystander getting blown up.”

ME: “EXCUSE ME? I’m a terrorist…..(sputter sputter) and you are innocent?”

DH: “Okay, so maybe I’m more like the driver of the car, I KNOW you have the bomb strapped on, but I’m still innocent, but you are my friend. We are friendly suicide bombers.”

ME: “You may want to stop now, if you plan on having a chance in hell of impregnating me tonight. If you don’t like my crazy suicide bomber emotions now, what do you think is going to happen for the next 9 months?”

DH: “Yes, but at that point, I KNOW I’m getting something out of the deal at the end. I get a baby. Right now its just an unending walk in a mine field.”

ME: “So first I’m a terrorist suicide bomber and now I’m a mine field. Nice.”

DH: “Okay, so you are the Taliban begging for me to invade you. I know I’m going to get blown up but you are asking for it. So woman, prepare to be invaded.”

ME: “The Taliban huh? Invaded? You are such a romantic asshole.”

This is what happens when you marry an ex-marine. Everything in life becomes a military analogy, including IF. Yes ladies, my IF journey has now become my husbands crusade. He is conquering foreign lands and defeating IF with the shear force of his sperm army. His guns are loaded and he is making nightly forays into enemy territory laying siege to land waiting for the commanding egg to appear and the Talimoodswing Leader to change tactics. So far we have not won a battle, but we continue to storm the forts.

Oy Vey.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

SAHM snobbery

I'm not really picky over SAHM vs Working Moms. Whatever works best for you and your family. I can argue either side and have excellent examples of both ends of the spectrums. I know the effects on socialization, immunity, sickness, etc.

What I can not tolerate are people who have their heads stuck so far up their own asses they can not accomodate the other side of the situation (which mostly comes from the direction of SAHM's for some reason).

"I can't imagine anyone putting a 6 week or 12 week old BABY in a stranger's arms to take care of more hours of the day then you spend with it. Yes a budget is tight but wait until you can afford to be a SAHM before you TTC."

How about this: Wait for your brain to engage before you open your fucking mouth. Tell someone suffering not only from IF but a downturned Economy who can only afford to have a child if she continues to work. Someone who is aging fast. The clock is ticking. Screw that, tell that to any woman who needs to work despite IF. Is it fair to subject a woman to a life of struggle because her husband can't bring in as much as she does. A woman who has worked her ass off to get to where she is, give it up when there are people who LIVE to take care of babies and can do it quite well?

SAHM's have hard jobs. I'm not knocking them, I would love to be one. I would LOVE TO BE A MOM period and if I have to go back to work in 6 weeks and PAY someone to take care of my child to make it work, then that is what I will do. I will also shove my foot so far up your ass you will have to have it surgically removed if you make comments like the above to me. Ever. Period. End of Discussion.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Didn't Know I was Pregnant

BTW, while I was vegging in front of the tv last night, I watched "I didn't know I was pregnant", "Surprise Twins", and "16 and Pregnant".

Can I just say: We have a lot of stupid ungrateful people in this world.

You didn't use B/C, didn't have a period for 9 months, had M/S and iron deficiency. How the hell do you not realize you are pregnant?


No I'm not taking Birth Control, its the spirit of Betty Crocker! She visited me again last night. I have 3 quarts, 1 pint of green beans canned, 3 thick, rich loaves of sour dough bread, ONE load of laundry, All the dishes cleaned, and sore feet.

I did not exercise. It was 9pm before I finished canning and getting dinner together, so I just took the dogs out in the yard, picked a few tomatoes from the garden, watered my half dead flowers on the porch and vegitated in front of the tv until 10 when I took a shower and crawled into bed demanding my husband do all the work as I wasn't in the mood. He ofcourse obliged without complaint and I just grit my teeth and bared (in this context the spelling is appropriate don't ya think?) it. Not a very pleasant story to tell the kiddo's but at this point, you just do what you have to do to have a child. It's not always fantasy games and furry handcuffs, passionate strokes and whispered words of love. Sometimes its just sex. Straight simple, lube and dude. Get 'er done has a whole new meaning in the bedroom.

I'm sore (in more ways than one), exhausted, and by 7am I already needed a nap. By 7:30 my father had called to tell me he wants to get up hay Friday night...which makes for a really long day for DH and I as we get off work at 5, have an hour drive to be in the hayfields by 7 and work until Dark (which is around 9:30 or 10) and drive an hour back to be home at 11pm to feed our horses, take dogs out, feed cats, take showers etc. That's a minimum of an 18 hour day of hard labor for me. Only to get up by 7:30 or 8am the next morning to do it again. OY VEY. That also means I would have to mow my yard tonight or tomorrow night, pick my beans, vacuum my pool and clean my house before Friday or else do it on Sunday. I'm pretty sure by Sunday I'm going to want to veg and nothing will get done. THIS WEEKS SUCKS.

I hope they know they better get some work out of me while they can. If I get pregnant, I have no problem telling them to shove haybales up their butts as I'm not lifting anymore when there is a baby on board. They bale those things too heavy as it is and I'm tired of being the only woman in the field dealing with their sweaty ill butts.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Just call me: Betty Homemaker

aka Martha Stewart and Paula Dean. I have taken on the task of making Sour Dough Bread and Amish Friendship bread. This stuff has to be the worst PITA in the world. My mother gave me the "starters" which you have to feed and pamper and knead for DAYS just to make a loaf of bread. Last night I made the Sour dough and had to let it sit all night. This morning I had to get up early so that I can punch it down, divide it in three and knead it and let it sit all day to bake it tonight. Good gracious, that's a lot of work for some bread.

I also made zuchini bread from fresh zuke's out of my garden, grilled turkey tenderloins for dinner tonight and tomorrow, steaks for last night's dinner that I served with home made potato salad. I watered my garden, sprayed the leaves with insect soap, picked the garden, chemically treated the pool, did dishes, and snapped green beans. ALL of that after a full day of work and a trip to the grocery store.

I fell into bed last night barely able to function at 10 pm. I AM EXHAUSTED! What's on the agenda tonight? Finish the green beans, pressure can them, make the three loaves of Sour Dough, put together salads for dinner to go with the tenderloins, check the garden, swim laps, three loads of laundry, one load of dishes and sex.

Let's see how much I can get done this week. I know I am going to be in the hayfields on Saturday getting up hay. I am aiming for a completely relaxing day on Sunday...preferably asleep on a pool float in the sun, which I will reward myself with if I stay on track with exercise and chores this week.

None of this has anything to do with TTC, except for the fact that life goes on. I'm crazy busy and insane, and yet I still want to add a baby to the mix. I am strongly considering selling the horses to help alleviate some of the work since we don't have time to do anything with them. Now if I can just get DH on board.

Monday, July 6, 2009

4th of July

I'm two days late, I know. With my OCD party planning self, the psychosis of the Jay Drama, I have not touched a computer in a few days (which has been kind of nice, even though I missed everyone). We did our annual Pool Party for the 4th. Roughly 20 people which included 7 kids this year which was GREAT! I was laying on my big double lounger with my BFF and actually remarked "this is what this pool was made for...Kids and life." I meant it. It warmed my heart to see a few teenagers diving, smaller kids splashing on the floats in the shallow end, water guns, squeals, etc. Don't get me wrong there was an ache because none of them were mine, and I also was wondering if Jay would ever be playing in that pool again and/or having his little friends come over. When he lived with us before, I taught him to swim. When he first moved in, he was deathly afraid of water, but he trusted me so I had him in the pool on the first try and then he ALWAYS wanted to be in the pool. EVERY DAY.

Anyway, very low key day. Most people were gone by dark, since none of us had fireworks, they all scattered to go to the local firework shows. Which was fine. The party was cleaned up and DH and I spread the leftover fruit platters and brownies on teh coffee table and watched movies. Nice end to the day.

Yesterday, I did some gardening and gave Cody (our Doxie) his first swimming lesson. We have been putting him on floats with us to get him used to the water and motion but yesterday was the first actual swimming lesson and teaching him to use the steps. He did not like it but he did really well. He kept coming back for more to please us. I'm hoping to get him where he will actually enjoy it.

Being the slackass that I am, I did not take ONE picture this weekend. My sister took a few so I'm hoping to get some from her. I was very thrilled that my nephews got to enjoy my pool. I was grilling while they were in it, but I got to see a bit of them. I even saw my BIL whom I have not seen in months since he's been on the road. My family was actually very decent this weekend and that made me happy. I wish it was like that all the time. Atleast I know where I get my pschizophrenia from (ha ha, that's a joke, although sometimes I think they really are..LOL).

Positives of the weekend: Successful party, Cody's swimming lesson, enjoyable family time, and DH's car is officially fixed and street legal again ($500.00 later). WOOT happy day.

Friday, July 3, 2009


Since last night I have been haunted by little blonde boys and my inability to save them from stupidity. It started off with the Walmart Parking lot.
Last Night: DH and I are loading the car when I look over and see this little blonde boy (maybe 3-4yo) plastered against the back window of a jacked up mudbogging redneck truck. His little face was so pitiful. The windows were rolled up and he was alone. OMG he was alone locked in a truck in 90 degree heat while his white trash parents shopped at Walmart.
I was furious. I had my cell phone out ready to call the sheriff and was ranting and raving. There were several other families who had noticed him by this point. This old lady parked next to him tapped the window and he rolled it down and sat on the door half out of the truck. This infuriated me more. He could fall out, someone could snatch him. Untold harm could come to him and I was ready to kill someone. The lady next to him was on her cell and was hunkered down to wait on the parents I guess. I hope she gave them on old fashioned preaching to. DH made me leave because at that moment I could probably have beaten someone down.
Here's the biggest problem with my emotions over this situation: he was a little blonde boy the age of my nephew who is probably treated even worse and it breaks my heart. I told my DH this. As we were driving away, I was in tears saying "That could have been Jay, you know it, and there isn't shit we can do about it."

Back story: Right after DH and I were married, his brother went through one of the worst divorces I've ever seen. Custody battle insued. BIL moved in with us. One day we went over to the ex-house to grab some of Jay's stuff as SIL had up and went to the beach for the weekend calling to tell BIL to pick JAY up at the daycare (nice huh?). We found the house unlivable. Evidence that she kept the child locked in his room with dirty diapers every where, you could SMELL the house from the driveway. I literally stood outside the front door throwing up it was that bad. I immediately started snapping pictures and DH and I used a considerable amount of our savings helping BIL get custody and support Jay. Jay lived with us for about six months by court order. (BIL lived here too and had custody). Then BIL decided he was going to be a 30 yo kid dating 18 yo Hooter's waitresses and driving a low rider truck and didn't want a kid tagging along and gave Jay back to ex-SIL. There was a lot of drama. DH and I were furious. BIL moved out (was thrown out) and moved back down to wear his parents live which is where ex-SIL now lives (military town-she was looking for a military man to support her which is what she though she had in BIL but after they married he got discharged and she was pissed). Anyway, long story short, we haven't seen Jay in two years.

Today: DH is talking to his Mom. Shit has hit the fan down there (five hours away from us). Ex-SIL and her new man had to take their 1 yo (his first marriage) to the hospital with a severaly broken leg that requires surgery that they can not explain how it happened. Hospital calls DSS. Sheriff shows up at BIL's to escort him to pick up Jay. Sheriff talks to babysitter and finds out that Jay (who is now 4)has been taking care of his 1 yo step sister because "mommy sleeps and we stay in the bedroom until time to go to the babysitter." Her custody has been revoked and temporary sole custody awarded to BIL who is broke, his car is being repossessed and he's living in a frat house on the beach. Jay screams when his mother comes to get him at the babysitters or when he has visited grandma. He never wants to go home. Ex-SIL is not allowed to see Jay for 30 days. Both children have been taken from her and the court is deciding who in the family is going to be granted full custody of Jay.

I'm in tears. DH sat there and argued with his Mom that he wants Jay. She does not have the room, literally (small crowded 3 bedroom/1 bath house with IL's plus my SIL and her 2 kids) and BIL doesn't have the money or the brain to take care of him. I've never seen DH with such suppressed rage as he was talking to his mother. He's literally ready to go RIGHT NOW and pick him up. All we can hope for at this point is that the courts will grant custody to BIL and he will sign him over to us. I'm not sure if DH convinced his parents but he's ready to fight. I'm so upset. DH told his mom flat out that when its all said and done if BIL gives him back to her this time, he will be driving down there to beat his ass to within an inch of his life. I don't know what to do. My heart hurts and we don't have any savings left to fight with so we have to just sit and wait and see how all of this plays out. Granted they are digging their own graves and the best we can do is let them be the white trash uneducated people they are and step in at the last minute when DSS looks for a family member to take him, if BIL screws it up, but I am absolutely devastated. All we can do is wait and pray.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

BOTB Post of the Day: My Sweet Rachel...

a lioness for her cubs, a psychologist for the sick at heart, and defender of all those suffering due to ignorance. As I ran errands today, waited for four hours on DH's car to be fixed (do NOT get me started about my day off), I apparently missed quite a bit on my favorite chat board. In review, I came across this little tidbit of wisdom that sweet Rachel wrote for some inconsiderate newbie who posted some illmannered "advice" (throatpunch to you Amelia, you better be glad that thugbuckin and her raging hormones and pukey self was not in attendance today). Thank you Rachel for being so understanding and wise.

You think that someone who has already been patient for nearly two years and had ravaged their body with medications to help conceive wants to be told about "patience"? Patience does not make pregnancy happen for MANY women. Blood sweat and tears, doctors appointments, horribly invasive procedures, medications with terrible side effects - that is what some people go through to have a baby, and when they are frustrated they have every right to be so and should have not to hear about how they should be PATIENT.

"Maturity" should bring with it some knowledge - knowledge that PATIENCE does not in fact make the world go round, and knowledge of feelings to have some sort of idea what might be the WRONG damn thing to say. Now go away.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Tears for Megan

Today, I read the story of Megan Grace's birth and death. For those of you who have not followed her story, it was a sad one filled with unbelievable strength, love and devotion.

I was praying for a miracle, that she would live and bring such happiness to her family and while the miracle was not as I imagined, the miracle is simply, that she lived at all. This tiny baby who was loved by so many people including strangers, made an impact on the world in her tiny way. She may never see the blue of the sky, the wind in the leaves, but she was seen. A perfect being with a heartbeat and soft skin. While her heart beat for a short time, the love from it will last an eternity.

I often get wrapped up in my own emotions of IF, but there are things that are so much worse. Things in this life that I can't begin to imagine having the strength for. People that amaze me in so many ways.

Megan, you touched the lives of so many, in ways you and your family will never know. Your time on earth may have been short, but your impact was huge. RIP sweet Megan Grace. May your memory bring a smile to your mother's heart and a warmth in your father's soul.