Official BFN

I couldn't sleep this morning, I'm not sure why. I just had a wierd feeling. Hope had sprung anew. Today was the day AF would show her dirtywhore face which means today would be my temperature drop. I knew if my temperature did not plummet I was digging out that HPT and testing. I was excited. I took my temp. It dropped from yesterday but was still high and right in line with the rest of my temps for the past week. So I took the HPT. I turned it this way and that, nothing, nada, zip. It might as well had a big glaring Neon sign that said "LOSER" or "No Chance in Hell, Bitch."

I plastered a groggy before coffee smile on my face, chuncked the little pink and white plastic bastard in the trash and trotted out of the bathroom to start my day. All of this time I have calmly known that I was not pregnant this month. I accepted it. I emotionally crashed and moved on. Somehow, I still set myself up at the last minute for utter failure and rejection by my own body. I'm pissed at myself for doing that to myself. I knew better. As I sat on the bed with the cat at my feet and my dog in my lap, watching the morning news, drinking my bitter half caff coffee with no sugar (as I am trying to make my body a habital environment for a fetus), I realized, WTF am I doing this to myself for? Is my life so bad without children? DH asked me what was wrong but I told him nothing.

Nothing is wrong, besides the same old shit that my body hates me, but we have established that and there is absolutely no point in discussing it at 6:30 a.m. when I have had very little coffee. My life is not a bad life. There are things I need to do to improve it (pay off debt, downsize some of our obligations and responsibilities to alleviate stress) but its not a bad life. It just feels empty and as if we are not progressing. My future feels wrong, lonely and bleak if I try to imagine it without children.

I have not learned the art of patience very well. I've been forced into limbo by not succeeding but that doesn't mean I'm patient. That is definately a lesson I need to learn as my age creeps up and my life ticks by, its hard to learn patience.

I guess tonight will come the discussion with my husband on what we do from here and tomorrow will be the call to my Dr. to verify what our options are for the next cycle. Do we want to bother with Clomid again since my Right ovary has shown no signs of cooperation or give the Clomid a break and just do Metformin this month? Do we try Clomid again the next cycle or are we giving up for awhile. These are decisions I am faced with yet again but its not just my decision which is both comforting and bothersome. I don't have to blame myself solely for giving up if it is a joint decision but at the same time if I'm too tired to continue, I don't have the total say if DH wants to try One more month etc. This is ultimately the part I hate. The end of a cycle, decision time.