Complete and Total Melt Down

It happened. I cracked. I was innocently driving home from the grocery store and was completely overtaken by emotion and hormones. There I was, driving 35 miles per hour through tears, beating my hand against the steering wheel and begging God to give me a baby. I did it all, I bargained, I pleaded, I begged, I cried, I screamed. Every commuter on my road now thinks there is a psycho driving a yellow convertible mustang.

My story does not end here however. My meltdown was not yet complete. I had control again for about two hours. In that time, I sat there snapping beans, stressing over all the things I had yet to do while DH snored on the sofa with his Man Cold. So I get up to let the dogs out and when I open the door there is someone walking their dog down my road. I grab my chowchow and hang on to her and my Doxie in all his 13lbs of ferocious glory charges out to the edge of the yard to bark. The lady starts yelling at him to go home. Well you stupid bitch, he IS home. He is STANDING IN THE YARD 10 feet from the road. You have a Collie that is atleast 40 lbs STFU. Ofcourse I'm yelling for the little brat but he totally ignores me. Her dog freaks out, twists out of his collar and runs. He RUNS from a 13lb Doxie. What a wus. When he twists free, I thought OH GOD, He's going to come in my yard and attack my dog, and Tedda starts growling really low so I'm hanging on to her for all I'm worth because she would tear that dog limb from limb if he comes in the yard. He didn't. The moment passed but I started crying because I looked like a screaming banshee in my own yard and that pissed me off.

Then my little brat wouldn't come back to me because he knew he had been bad...so I had to chase him down and I spanked him. One Pop (yes, I pop my dogs, I also give them time outs. My dogs are very well behaved and know exactly what they did wrong and why they are being punished and if you don't like it you can kiss my ass) but it was too hard and I knew it before I was doing it. It didn't hurt him, but he yelped as if I had stabbed him and ran in the house and jumped in his crate. My Doxie is a drama King. Major Drama King and his little feelings get hurt easily. You can look at him cross eyed and he gets upset. It is not necessary to pop him except on rare occasions because he does get his feelings hurt so easily. Time outs work great for him. I know this, I knew it at the time, I did it anyway which made me feel worse and like a monster and that got me more upset.

I KNEW better then to go feed the horses but I did it anyway because I thought it would help me calm down. My heart, my soulmate, he died when we moved into the house and I know the horses we have now just don't do it for me. They are asses and they showed their asses last night. As I opened the stall door to go in, the boys, tried to invade my personal space and run me over for the food. If you have never had two 1100 lb small draft horses that wrap around each other like eels because they are twins try to take advantage of your space, well you are lucky. It's not a pleasant feeling. I screamed bloody murder at them, at which they jumped back and pawed the ground and looked at me as if I had lost my damn mind, which ofcourse I had. I was consumed with so much rage and hate and anger it was not healthy. My skin became hot, I started sweating, I turned red, I was crying boiling tears, I couldn't breathe. I sat in the hammock under the deck and called Sarah.

I told her everything and she calmed me down and we figured it out. I don't ovulate. Therefore I don't have the same hormones everyone else has that triggers PMS etc. I'm not used to emotional swings of this nature. I'm not accustomed to the PMS bloat, crampiness, twinges etc. that are so often connected with both PMS and pregnancy. So when the meds straighten out my hormones and allow my body to function properly, its hard not to obsess over these feelings even though my temperature tells me they are a lie. (As well as FF with your 77pregnancy points. FUCK YOU FF). Because I do not normally have them, my brain tells me the truth, my body tells me something else, and throw in a bunch of hormones I'm not used to and you have psycho crazy lady driving down the road in a mustang screaming like a banshee and beating her animals.

I am what nightmares are made of. Then I started crying again. Why would God give me a child when I turn into this monster? Who would want to see me as a mom? I've always thought I was an excellent mom to my animals. My Chowchow knows 45 commands. She's 12 yo and everyone wants her. My Doxie has come a long way and while he isn't the brightest lightbulb in the world he is learning and everyone loves him as well. My cat is a Diva. I don't know if I've ever lost control like that before but if I'm capable of losing control because my hormones go crazy, what else am I capable of.

Today, I feel empty and hollow. DH tried to comfort me last night when he woke up and I told him what had happened. He tried to be sweet and tell me it didn't matter, that he wouldn't leave me if I couldn't give him a family (which is one of my big fears), that we would just BUY a family if we had to hang out at highschools hunting for scared pregnant teenagers and put ads in the PennySaver like Juno to do so. I'm toying with going ahead and putting our name on the list for foster/adopt. I'm confused and I'm torn. Part of me doesn't want this cycle to end because I want time for a little more hope but then when I enter another temp that doesn't help the chart I am ready to start over.

I believe in the power of dreams. I think some people have something extra that allows them to see events as they unfold. Steph dreamed that I got a BFP after Lucas front teeth poked through. He's teething now. Maybe I will keep at the drugs for two more months. Until then, I am going to try to get through today without being bitter and depressed with emotional outburts. I'm going to go home tonight, primp and go on a date with my husband and see Harry Potter. I REFUSE to become Psycho crying beatmydog lady today (and my dog has forgiven me and I spent extra time cuddling with him in the bed this morning). I am NOT an evil person I swear.