It’s hard letting friends pull away and have their space, even when they need it. I’ve had many friendships in my life and I’ve lost very few. I’m one of those rare people who hold onto a friendship truly through thick and thin. I have had three best friends through most of my life. After college two of those moved away and for years we continued the friendships through email, occasional visits etc. One of them drifted and now we get the occasional email once a year when we one of us is thinking of the other but for the most part we don’t really know anything about the other’s life. She’s never met my husband and I don’t know if she has children.
The other friend moved back and we recently went through a very tough patch while I was dealing with the loss of my child and she was dealing with undiagnosed Post Partum Depression. Individually we moved on but the friendship is in a weird place right now but there have been tentative feelers thrown out from each party to see if the other is receptive. We are working on it.
When I married, I made a new friend and for years she was one of my rocks as I was hers, but through a bitter separation and even odder reunification within her own marriage, the friendship between us became forced and uneasy and we both let it become a casual comment on Facebook and a hug when we run into each other thing.
I’ve developed fabulous e-ships and a network of amazing women that share both online and offline moments with me. Babyshowers, tacky sweater parties, etc. Sometimes those friendships too hit a rocky place though. It’s very difficult when you share for so long a struggle with someone, a trait that binds you even in the most horrible circumstances, and then one of you “moves on.” I’ve watched and supported many women moving on and it was one of the most difficult things I had to do. I mourned the loss of my child every day that I saw the other girls progress in their pregnancies. I cried tears of happiness and mourning when another’s child was born when our due dates had been shared. I’ve watched these precious little beings grow and everyday it’s a reminder of what Bumblebee would be doing now, the milestones he/she would have passed. Even being pregnant and looking forward to this new life, it doesn’t take the pain away from what once was my future.
Now, I’m the one who has moved on. Everyday my fear and anxiety are still very real that something is going to go wrong but at the same time I’m also able to laugh about the small things (like craving apples) and enjoy some of these little moments. Some of my girls can’t share that with me and it breaks my heart for them. I have to let them have their space and I know that’s what they need. I’ve been there so I absolutely do not want to be “too much” by checking in too often but at the same time, I’m not always sure when its been too long and I should step in and say “hey, haven’t heard from you” or “you’ve been quiet lately.”
It’s such a fine line to walk between caring and sensitive to being a reminder of what they want. I know that they need their space and my condition can be difficult for them sometimes. Because I’ve been there, and I truly understand what they are going through both on the infertility front and the being left behind front, it plagues me that I can’t BE more support. If I could fix it for you all I would. I love you and empathize with you that much and I am continuing to hold a place on my friends list for you for when you “catch up” because I believe that you all will. Even to those e-friends who aren’t as close or are going through other trials in their life right now and have drifted for the moment, I’m always here to listen, to support and to love you. Whether it is the occasional cup of coffee and chat you need from me, or hours of Facebook conversation to take your mind off of a bad day.
I’m here and I just want to remind each of you (online and off) that I’ll never forget or move on from my past. From the years of struggle and heartache. They are with me forever and no matter where I am in life, I will always understand where you are coming from and love you no matter what. I will always be an advocate for fertility education. The women I have met and bonded with over the past few years will always be a part of me no matter where my journey takes me.
Showing posts with label BOTB. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BOTB. Show all posts
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Belly Pic Friday
I posted my first belly picture on the BOTB board today. I figured I should post it here. This blog is lacking in pictures anyway. So here it is, in all its grainy dirty work mirror glory!
(and yes, I'm still in regular clothes, I have not gained a pound, everything is just shifting and rounding out and pooching out. If it makes you feel better though, I'm wearing clothes that hung on me because I had lost so much weight.....they aren't hanging on me that badly anymore except in the butt...LOL) Plus, I'm a 6' plus size girl so I'm going to show differently then you tiny little things (coughcoughJeannacoughcough)
(and yes, I'm still in regular clothes, I have not gained a pound, everything is just shifting and rounding out and pooching out. If it makes you feel better though, I'm wearing clothes that hung on me because I had lost so much weight.....they aren't hanging on me that badly anymore except in the butt...LOL) Plus, I'm a 6' plus size girl so I'm going to show differently then you tiny little things (coughcoughJeannacoughcough)
Friday, August 6, 2010
For all my girls
It’s odd. In my little internet world, BFP’s come in waves. I’ve watched for years as beloved members/friends of our group have joined the ranks of pregnancy in envy. Last year, I joined one of the babyplosions. I rejoiced, as did many people at my success. They mourned with me with my M/C. I watched them continue on with a mix of joy and sadness.
I mourned with them when they lost their’s. I rejoiced with them, when they gave birth despite the depression that I too was supposed to be hugging a bundle of joy. I watched as time went on without me. I watched in tears as my EDD passed. I watched with increasing disappointment as my conception date drew nearer. I cried when we discovered the cysts and they told me I had to stop taking the meds. I rejoiced with a healthy dose of disbelief and fear at the BFP shortly after. I’ve been living in a state of up and down, excitement and terror since then.
I’m in the midst of another BFPlosion though. Once again, I’ve joined the ranks of a group of fantastic women who are pregnant. Many for the second time and many who were pregnant with me the first time but suffered loss. It’s an odd mix this group and I’m timidly excited to be a part of it. I want nothing more to stay a part of it.
There is that little part of me that fears though. That I will once again have to watch people progress without me while I suffer another loss. There is that part of me that feels guilty that I’m still pregnant while there have already been losses in the past month. Then there is that little part of me that cries for those we’ve “left behind.”
Those sweet souls who watch me with a mixture of happiness and sadness, wishing they could join me. I have guilt yapping about Beta’s and my fear, while they try to be supportive while fighting demons of their own inside. I’ve been where they are. I’ve been the one on the sidelines while everyone was playing the winning game. I’ve watched people give birth, get pregnant, give birth again.
I’ve celebrated through tears. I’ve hidden my emotions. I’ve been bitter beyond belief and I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve been right with the world, and right with God but I’ve also yelled and screamed and occasionally felt I didn’t have enough left in me to fight.
I worry. I am fearful. I am apprehensive. I worry that things are different this time. I don’t have morning sickness at all like last time. I do have sharp pains in the abdomen but I don’t remember those last time. I’m scared of repeating one year ago. I’m scared I’ll do something wrong.
I’m optimistic. I’m feeling loved and complete. I’m excited beyond belief. I want to believe its different this time. I want to dance happily along consumed with myself and my joy.
But I can’t forget others. Those who stand beside me through pain and happiness. Those who no matter what the outcome for me or them will still be my friends and share my emotions as I will with them.
I am thinking of you all, with hope and prayers for all of our successes in life and family. I love you all and pray only for blessings to come your way in God’s time. I wish for you only peace in your journeys wherever they may take you. I choose to continue to walk beside you all, as your friend, no matter our outcomes.
I mourned with them when they lost their’s. I rejoiced with them, when they gave birth despite the depression that I too was supposed to be hugging a bundle of joy. I watched as time went on without me. I watched in tears as my EDD passed. I watched with increasing disappointment as my conception date drew nearer. I cried when we discovered the cysts and they told me I had to stop taking the meds. I rejoiced with a healthy dose of disbelief and fear at the BFP shortly after. I’ve been living in a state of up and down, excitement and terror since then.
I’m in the midst of another BFPlosion though. Once again, I’ve joined the ranks of a group of fantastic women who are pregnant. Many for the second time and many who were pregnant with me the first time but suffered loss. It’s an odd mix this group and I’m timidly excited to be a part of it. I want nothing more to stay a part of it.
There is that little part of me that fears though. That I will once again have to watch people progress without me while I suffer another loss. There is that part of me that feels guilty that I’m still pregnant while there have already been losses in the past month. Then there is that little part of me that cries for those we’ve “left behind.”
Those sweet souls who watch me with a mixture of happiness and sadness, wishing they could join me. I have guilt yapping about Beta’s and my fear, while they try to be supportive while fighting demons of their own inside. I’ve been where they are. I’ve been the one on the sidelines while everyone was playing the winning game. I’ve watched people give birth, get pregnant, give birth again.
I’ve celebrated through tears. I’ve hidden my emotions. I’ve been bitter beyond belief and I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve been right with the world, and right with God but I’ve also yelled and screamed and occasionally felt I didn’t have enough left in me to fight.
I worry. I am fearful. I am apprehensive. I worry that things are different this time. I don’t have morning sickness at all like last time. I do have sharp pains in the abdomen but I don’t remember those last time. I’m scared of repeating one year ago. I’m scared I’ll do something wrong.
I’m optimistic. I’m feeling loved and complete. I’m excited beyond belief. I want to believe its different this time. I want to dance happily along consumed with myself and my joy.
But I can’t forget others. Those who stand beside me through pain and happiness. Those who no matter what the outcome for me or them will still be my friends and share my emotions as I will with them.
I am thinking of you all, with hope and prayers for all of our successes in life and family. I love you all and pray only for blessings to come your way in God’s time. I wish for you only peace in your journeys wherever they may take you. I choose to continue to walk beside you all, as your friend, no matter our outcomes.
Friday, November 6, 2009
BOTB Gal Pals
I finally met one of the local girls off of BOTB. CrownedBee and I met for Starbucks and to talk Fertility and TTC. I had a blast and it was so nice to chat with someone who knew my story, knew what it was like to be on the boards and dealing with the pregnancy issues etc. IRL. I can't wait to hang out with her again (bedazzled tacky christmas sweaters and all -inside joke).
CrownedBee and Me
CrownedBee and Me
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
BOTB Post of the Week
This post is brought to you by the day Tuesday in conjunction with Wednesday. We were visited by our very own Self-righteous little catholic girl today. Magan23 from Dallas who is a 26yo Nanny does not know her body, her catholic teachers are idiots and her parents never taught her manners. Her original post:
I'm Catholic and trying to conceive. In my NFP class, they said I was fertile for only 1 or 2 days. Then the rest of the month I'm completely infertal. Is this true?? My husband travels and it's hard to "try" when he's on his schedule and I'm on mine!!!
My friends say to still TTC all month and it will happen. I definetly dont MIND trying all month, but I just dont want to get my hopes up if we don't do it during the peak time of month.
After much education on the part of many BOTB regulars on the incorrectness of her information and the improper use of the word Infertility, she proceeded to get angry and insulting (thought she did not do a very good job at it). My favorite post I believe would be this one (I think she was speaking directly to Mandy but I'm not sure since she couldn't figure out the Quote function.
s this what you do all day? Be a "bully" on message boards? Get a life honey, Youre not cool.
And heather. Your stupid too. or maybe this one:
"I was just trying to learn about something. Get off my back. Why are you such a RUDE B. Why do I need to find another website for asking a simple question? I guess this is what I get, trying to get advise from such a dumb person. Get over yourself, I'm not going anywhere. " Said right before she DD'd.
I can't decide. She was a walking classic and I could only wish that she stayed around a bit longer. Oh well. In my small blog world she earned her right to a post of history.
I'm Catholic and trying to conceive. In my NFP class, they said I was fertile for only 1 or 2 days. Then the rest of the month I'm completely infertal. Is this true?? My husband travels and it's hard to "try" when he's on his schedule and I'm on mine!!!
My friends say to still TTC all month and it will happen. I definetly dont MIND trying all month, but I just dont want to get my hopes up if we don't do it during the peak time of month.
After much education on the part of many BOTB regulars on the incorrectness of her information and the improper use of the word Infertility, she proceeded to get angry and insulting (thought she did not do a very good job at it). My favorite post I believe would be this one (I think she was speaking directly to Mandy but I'm not sure since she couldn't figure out the Quote function.
s this what you do all day? Be a "bully" on message boards? Get a life honey, Youre not cool.
And heather. Your stupid too. or maybe this one:
"I was just trying to learn about something. Get off my back. Why are you such a RUDE B. Why do I need to find another website for asking a simple question? I guess this is what I get, trying to get advise from such a dumb person. Get over yourself, I'm not going anywhere. " Said right before she DD'd.
I can't decide. She was a walking classic and I could only wish that she stayed around a bit longer. Oh well. In my small blog world she earned her right to a post of history.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
BOTB Post of the Day: My Sweet Rachel...
a lioness for her cubs, a psychologist for the sick at heart, and defender of all those suffering due to ignorance. As I ran errands today, waited for four hours on DH's car to be fixed (do NOT get me started about my day off), I apparently missed quite a bit on my favorite chat board. In review, I came across this little tidbit of wisdom that sweet Rachel wrote for some inconsiderate newbie who posted some illmannered "advice" (throatpunch to you Amelia, you better be glad that thugbuckin and her raging hormones and pukey self was not in attendance today). Thank you Rachel for being so understanding and wise.
You think that someone who has already been patient for nearly two years and had ravaged their body with medications to help conceive wants to be told about "patience"? Patience does not make pregnancy happen for MANY women. Blood sweat and tears, doctors appointments, horribly invasive procedures, medications with terrible side effects - that is what some people go through to have a baby, and when they are frustrated they have every right to be so and should have not to hear about how they should be PATIENT.
"Maturity" should bring with it some knowledge - knowledge that PATIENCE does not in fact make the world go round, and knowledge of feelings to have some sort of idea what might be the WRONG damn thing to say. Now go away.
You think that someone who has already been patient for nearly two years and had ravaged their body with medications to help conceive wants to be told about "patience"? Patience does not make pregnancy happen for MANY women. Blood sweat and tears, doctors appointments, horribly invasive procedures, medications with terrible side effects - that is what some people go through to have a baby, and when they are frustrated they have every right to be so and should have not to hear about how they should be PATIENT.
"Maturity" should bring with it some knowledge - knowledge that PATIENCE does not in fact make the world go round, and knowledge of feelings to have some sort of idea what might be the WRONG damn thing to say. Now go away.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
BOTB Post of the Week
Brought to you by: MEAGKEB
"So I am getting married exactly a month from today and am 2 weeks late. I took 2 pregnancy tests and they came back positive. The doctor won't see me until I am 8 weeks, though! This is driving me crazy!!!" The key to this post is the title "POSSIBLY PREGNANT...AAGGH"
You are most DEFINATELY pregnant you twit but you possibly deserve my foot up your ass for this pathetic attempt at attention amongst random strangers. WTF. The sheer stupidity of this drivel is what earned it the spot this week.
"So I am getting married exactly a month from today and am 2 weeks late. I took 2 pregnancy tests and they came back positive. The doctor won't see me until I am 8 weeks, though! This is driving me crazy!!!" The key to this post is the title "POSSIBLY PREGNANT...AAGGH"
You are most DEFINATELY pregnant you twit but you possibly deserve my foot up your ass for this pathetic attempt at attention amongst random strangers. WTF. The sheer stupidity of this drivel is what earned it the spot this week.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Another Courtney?
courtney.wells of Texas contributed this gem to BOTB today. Her original post was wether to BD (for those with brains that is sex) if an OPK line turned dark on that night. It went down hill from there. The thing is, most of these posts become entertaining because people get bent out of shape and keep posting idiotic things Like this follow up post:
Joined on 01-21-2009
29 Posts
620 Points
Great, thanks... you guys were awesome. and i am a big girl. I don't care if you can google me or read my facebook. I am from TEXAS....as I was so kindly reminded of.... and in Texas we revere our "religion and weapons" or so I have heard so I am not worried if someone can find my address. I live in the damn country so if they can find it more power to em....
I have read the f'n instructions on everything 60 thousand times. I just had a miscarriage....at 15 weeks. Everything we are trying to do to conceive right now I am second guessing because we are going on cycle 6 and still nothing. I didn't have trouble getting pregnant with my son so I am not an idiot ....I mostly just needed some support and a little affirmation.
But thanks anyway ....you all have made my day.
Really? Wow. Since when does being from TEXAS (not just Texas ya'll but TEXAS) mean you have religion and guns that keep you safe? Did she sneak off the the Yearning for Zion Ranch just to post to our humble message board? Not to mention her pity stories (and we know they are stories since she had a blog and then later deleted that blog and felt the need to elaborate on the stories (take my word for it, big ole mess).
I really hate that I missed what apparently was great entertainment from yet ANOTHER Courtney. If I can say one thing about this message board it is to never name a girl Courtney as apparently that has become THE name for girls in 2009 to use to post stupid blathering posts with.
So where was I during all this? Either asleep or mowing my lawn since I only worked an hour today and came home. My day has passed by in a dream and I have no desire to go to work tomorrow, but I will.
Joined on 01-21-2009
29 Posts
620 Points
Great, thanks... you guys were awesome. and i am a big girl. I don't care if you can google me or read my facebook. I am from TEXAS....as I was so kindly reminded of.... and in Texas we revere our "religion and weapons" or so I have heard so I am not worried if someone can find my address. I live in the damn country so if they can find it more power to em....
I have read the f'n instructions on everything 60 thousand times. I just had a miscarriage....at 15 weeks. Everything we are trying to do to conceive right now I am second guessing because we are going on cycle 6 and still nothing. I didn't have trouble getting pregnant with my son so I am not an idiot ....I mostly just needed some support and a little affirmation.
But thanks anyway ....you all have made my day.
Really? Wow. Since when does being from TEXAS (not just Texas ya'll but TEXAS) mean you have religion and guns that keep you safe? Did she sneak off the the Yearning for Zion Ranch just to post to our humble message board? Not to mention her pity stories (and we know they are stories since she had a blog and then later deleted that blog and felt the need to elaborate on the stories (take my word for it, big ole mess).
I really hate that I missed what apparently was great entertainment from yet ANOTHER Courtney. If I can say one thing about this message board it is to never name a girl Courtney as apparently that has become THE name for girls in 2009 to use to post stupid blathering posts with.
So where was I during all this? Either asleep or mowing my lawn since I only worked an hour today and came home. My day has passed by in a dream and I have no desire to go to work tomorrow, but I will.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Breaking 5 rules in less than 100 words! WOOT
It is important to us at The Bump that women in all stages of TTC are made to feel welcome on the boards.
Posts such as the on below are against our terms of use. Your account has been temporary disabled for one day – please refrain from making posts such as this in the future.
I think you are the type of woman to poke holes in condoms and do wtf you want to no matter what anyone else wants because you're an overdramatic selfish twat. Making a family should be a happy event for TWO people, not a desperate monologue of backstabbing and trickery that will only end up in emotional trauma and divorce which is not what bringing a child into this world is about.
You want to talk about feeling it slipping away?? Trying being 31 with PCOS, TWO YEARS into legitimately trying and THEN COME FVCKING TALK TO ME. cvntmuffin.
Thank you,
Posts such as the on below are against our terms of use. Your account has been temporary disabled for one day – please refrain from making posts such as this in the future.
I think you are the type of woman to poke holes in condoms and do wtf you want to no matter what anyone else wants because you're an overdramatic selfish twat. Making a family should be a happy event for TWO people, not a desperate monologue of backstabbing and trickery that will only end up in emotional trauma and divorce which is not what bringing a child into this world is about.
You want to talk about feeling it slipping away?? Trying being 31 with PCOS, TWO YEARS into legitimately trying and THEN COME FVCKING TALK TO ME. cvntmuffin.
Thank you,
Banned from BOTB
LMAO. This tickles me greatly. It does suck that this is one of my last days that I can nest during the work day but I just think its funny that I affected someone's emotional state so much via the interwebs that they had to seek retribution. Is it sick and twisted that I feel this way? Probably. I admit to being a bitch though. I have never not once denied it. Do I overreact to stupidity and wording? oh yes, I'm sure I do. I'm a very moody person. Does my sarcasm turn into cattiness (or as chefswife says CADDY...golf anyone?) or outright highstrung bitchiness...undoubtedly. Do I get upset when someone calls me on it? Nope not at all. They have every right to especially if they do it well. Hell, I will even give them kudo's if they don't lose their cool but I have been highly dissappointed thus far in newbies that attempt this.
For those who have stumbled across my blog, you may have no idea what I'm talking about, and that's okay. Here's a tip: if you join a message board, don't get upset if someone takes you wrong or does not like you. If you want to continue to post there, learn the lingo, the atmosphere (just like you would an IRL dinner party) and don't tuck your tail and run. Just chill out, accept the punches, and it will be fine.
Is it okay for people to act out on a silly internet board. By all means, I call it entertainment and not just when I'm doing the picking. I enjoy the snark and attitude that is thrown at me as well. I am not infallible, and I would hate life if I were. Do I love playing online with others? I absolutely do. I find that people are compassionate, truly caring, supportive, informative and quite amusing over a wide range of personalities. I personally find myself that way as well. Some days I'm snappy, some days I'm mellow. It's all in the name of this great thing we called nature and TTC. No hormonal pills to even out our mood swings. No anxiety pills to control our emotions and brain function. I'm doing it all natural which makes me a natural bitch and I'm proud of it.
I don't know who reported me or what I was reported for. I can only assume that it was my most recent attitude and use of foul language to the previously mentioned Chefswife who didn't
particulary care for me. Oh darn. The thing is, while I may jump the gun a bit, I'm always proven right. My banishment only confirms this even more so as reporting someone who "isn't nice" is an incredibly douchey thing to do. Awww did you get your wittle e-feewings hurt? I will wear my banishment like a badge of honor. I've been inducted into the badgirls club. So to whoever you are, thank you. I enjoy the notoriety.
For those who have stumbled across my blog, you may have no idea what I'm talking about, and that's okay. Here's a tip: if you join a message board, don't get upset if someone takes you wrong or does not like you. If you want to continue to post there, learn the lingo, the atmosphere (just like you would an IRL dinner party) and don't tuck your tail and run. Just chill out, accept the punches, and it will be fine.
Is it okay for people to act out on a silly internet board. By all means, I call it entertainment and not just when I'm doing the picking. I enjoy the snark and attitude that is thrown at me as well. I am not infallible, and I would hate life if I were. Do I love playing online with others? I absolutely do. I find that people are compassionate, truly caring, supportive, informative and quite amusing over a wide range of personalities. I personally find myself that way as well. Some days I'm snappy, some days I'm mellow. It's all in the name of this great thing we called nature and TTC. No hormonal pills to even out our mood swings. No anxiety pills to control our emotions and brain function. I'm doing it all natural which makes me a natural bitch and I'm proud of it.
I don't know who reported me or what I was reported for. I can only assume that it was my most recent attitude and use of foul language to the previously mentioned Chefswife who didn't
particulary care for me. Oh darn. The thing is, while I may jump the gun a bit, I'm always proven right. My banishment only confirms this even more so as reporting someone who "isn't nice" is an incredibly douchey thing to do. Awww did you get your wittle e-feewings hurt? I will wear my banishment like a badge of honor. I've been inducted into the badgirls club. So to whoever you are, thank you. I enjoy the notoriety.
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