Emotions and Grief

There are so many emotions and thoughts going through me for the past 24 hours I don't even know where to begin. Or where to end. My brain is logical and strong but my heart is weak and emotional. My body is a bitch. I was hoping that now that my brain knows the truth my body would follow suit. Apparently, its going to continue to be my biggest foe, forcing me to decide on a method that I neither want nor believe in. I don't believe in abortion. (In case you have ever had a doubt, I'm Republican and despite my some what modern and slightly paganistic religious tendencies my Southern Baptist roots are ingrained to the core of my being.) Despite the fact that my brain knows my baby is dead, my heart refuses to believe and taking the pills or having the D&C feels like abortion to me.

How do I face forcibly removing my baby from my body? How do I face day in and day out keeping it with me? My husband is trying to be strong. He's trying to support me but I know a bit of himself has died inside as well. I try to make a plan just to get through the next hour of the day, but I still can't keep the pain from creeping in for even that long.

I fueled myself up on caffiene and IBprofen yesterday. I even thought about nicotine, but I didn't do it. I'm not suicidal or slipping into depression. I just hurt. I'm grieving and it doesn't happen very quickly. It doesn't matter that I'm not grieving for someone who lived, whom I knew for a long time. I KNEW this baby, and it was mine. I'm not ready to let go. How can I let go? What if I never get pregnant again? I will have only known what its like to be pregnant, to be a mom for such a short time. It's not fair.

In hindsight, I knew deep down since the first ultrasound, something wasn't right. It always bothered me that my baby was measuring so far behind where I knew it should be. I KNOW when I ovulated. I know the time frame for cells to form. I KNEW I should have been a week further along. I deluded myself because that heartbeat was so bright and strong and we couldn't stop smiling. I also, knew when I looked at that screen yesterday morning that I was not looking at an 11 week old baby. It was too small and there was no precious little flashing light. I couldn't breathe. I Couldn't think. Time stopped. But then it started again without me and I can't smile any more.

I was so proud of myself for not gaining any weight. I can't help but think, gaining 20 lbs and being yelled at by the dr. would be so much better than this. My head knows, there is no correlation between the two but my heart isn't rationale. I can't keep the thoughts, the doubts from creeping in. Maybe it was the IBprofen I took for the crazy backpain before I found out I was pregnant. Maybe it was the wine and cosmo's I drank 16DPO the day before my BFP. Maybe it was this or that. I heard the words that my Dr. spoke. There was nothing I could have done, nor nothing I did to cause this. 1 in 5 pregnancies end.

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR. We waited and tried for so long. We went through so many emotions being infertile. Why? Why was our happiness so short lived? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO OFFEND THE COSMO's THIS BADLY? I look at the pics we took this weekend. Our first Belly Pics. Happy Pics of us together with his hand on my stomach. What do I do with them? They are a lie, but I can't delete them because what if we never do it again. What if those are the only pregnancy pictures I ever have even though they are a lie? The picture I posted the other day, the "first family photo of the three of us?" That's the only REAL picture. On THAT day, my baby was alive. According to the ultrasound, the next day, it was dead.

I HATE this. I HATE feeling so out of control and helpless. I hate HAVING the control of decisions I don't want to make. I hate crying as soon as I open my eyes in the morning and crying myself to sleep at night. I hate that my baby will never open its eyes at all or see how much I loved it.