Rumplestiltskin, Where Art Thou?

How am I supposed to chart when I can’t sleep? My chart is craptastic this month due to waking up early, lack of sleep, restless sleep etc. Furthermore, how am I supposed to continue to FUNCTION without sleep? Last night was the fourth night in a row I didn’t sleep well. Actually, last night was the WORST. Not only did I start off the night not being able to get comfortable with a backache, but I had full blown hot flash and night sweat. It was so bad that I went to the sofa. (Again, I know I have two other beds in the house, but the sofa was convenient for me).

After hours of restlessness, I finally got up at the first evidence of the sky lighting up. The Dawn is a beautiful but lonely time. In the spring and summer when I am up at Dawn, standing outside breathing in the fragrant air (and pollen), with distant house lights twinkling on randomly, my dogs running through the grass, my cat wrapped around my ankle, I always have the most contented feeling of pure peace. I’m alone with the world, alone with Mother Nature and God. There is no noise, no rude people, just the sounds of the earth I enjoy. Today, that was the only rest for my battered soul, as sleep never came to me during the dark hours of night. Dawn was my rest, the gentle hand that cleared my head like brushing away the glistening webs with morning dew.

Dawn is also a quick lover, and has since vanished in the brightening sun. My fatigue has returned, my confidence is ebbing., and I have a long day ahead of me. The mix of Clomid and the high levels of stress due to two jobs has really taken a toll on me this week. It is like a physical blow just trying to keep my mind on task. I find myself wondering in a strange places in my own head, only to mentally whimper when I’m snapped back to reality by a difficult task or question. My brain checked out wholly about two days ago, and I am simply riding a wave of pure emotion with occasional bursts of coffee induced adrenaline.

This must be what a drug addict feels like. Being trapped in a body that will only respond to various drug induced commands. My two drugs of choice: Clomid and Caffeine. Not the best mix I’m sure. I know I only have 2-4 more months of Clomid anyway before I have to stop and go see the RE, but at this moment, I’m not sure I can make it through THIS month much less commit to another one when this one doesn’t work. Seriously is there any point? If I ovulate, it doesn’t do me much good, when my body is so whacked out I can’t tell and I’m too tired to have sex anyway.

Poor DH, tried to initiate last night, but at 11 pm, lights off, full blown exhaustion, I was not cooperating AT ALL. I’m not even going to pretend I tried. Now really, how am I supposed to get pregnant when I don’t even want my DH to touch me! All I want, is to find a dark hole and crawl into it. I want to shut the world out and sleep for a month. Maybe Rumplestiltskin will join me and grant me a child without all this emotional drug induced drama.