Monday, September 13, 2010

Inevitable Fear

I’m very nervous about today. Over the weekend, I had crazy diarrhea, not to mention excruciating back, neck and shoulder pain. Since yesterday the fear has crept back in and I’ve done everything to keep it at bay including ordering something for the baby as a sign I believe my baby is there and okay.

This morning though, things are not quite as defiantly hopeful. I got on the scale and I’m down two pounds, which means I weigh less than when I first got pregnant. I know that’s not atypical for the first tri due to morning sickness etc. but I ate this weekend. Heck, for dinner last night I had a piece of fried chicken and green bean casserole with a soda! I hope its just nerves and that everything is going to be beautiful and I will finally relax into this pregnancy. I said in the very beginning I was going to enjoy every moment with this baby in case it didn’t last and I have failed miserably because I keep expecting each moment to be the last.

I think if everything is fine today, I’m not holding back anymore. I’m going to go out and buy baby things. I’m so afraid to buy anything or to jinx myself and it can’t be healthy. I purchased a book last time for Bumblebee and shortly after I lost him. Maybe its bad form or me trying to be courageous in the face of adversity (my own thoughts) but I purchased a book for Ladybug last night. After today though? I’m buying whatever I want. A snuggly blanket, a stuffed animal, a sweet little sleeper with an owl on it. I can’t hold back in fear anymore. I can’t. I have to start treating this pregnancy like its going to make it to gain the confidence for it to actually do so.

In the back of my mind, I keep waiting for it to go wrong and I come up with all these reasons. The most recent: I’ve skipped church three weeks in a row so God is going to punish me. I KNOW this isn’t true but maybe it’s me trying to cast blame somewhere. I don’t know why I do this to myself when I could be more productive and make a happier healthier environment by just believing in myself and my body’s capability to hold life.

1 comment:

  1. I hear this a lot from women with IF, I think it is a curse of our struggle. Nothing else has gone right so far, so why should this? I hope that you get the confidence you need. I will continue to hope and pray for you both.

    Also, for us ladies that are not supermodels - it isn't uncommon to lose weight for a bit, especially at first. Keep focusing on being healthy and all will be well.

    Hugs to you!