I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Is this the psycho hormones I always hear about? I have MOCKED people for blaming hormones for their behavior but now I’m not so sure I should be doing that.
Let’s start with me being a horrible mother. Lately, my dogs (the doxies) have been whining at night. Nothing is wrong with them, they just aren’t sleeping and whining to get out of their crates and be with us. They have been in their routine for TWO years so I don’t know why this whining has started now! They have always whined when the sun was up and/or they hear the alarm going off. They want out to use the bathroom understandably. But ALL NIGHT LONG? That is new.
The past two nights, I chalked it up to them hearing my husband up moving around as he’s had an upset stomach. I’m also thinking my more frequent bathroom trips at night are causing them unrest as they hear me. Last night however, two hours after bed, they woke ME up whining. I yelled at them. Ten minutes later, whining resumed. I yelled again. Same thing. So I finally get up and go in there, and pop their little butts. (yes, on occasion, I lightly pop their butts-it hurts their feelings more than anything, get over it.) Finally silence. An hour later, I woke up to resumed whining. I LOST MY SHIT. I took my poor little dogs, crates and all and put them outside on the porch. I was so tired, I just wanted sleep and was at my wits end and cramps had kicked in real low stressing me out. Of course, I didn’t get any sleep the rest of the night because I laid in bed and cried my eyes out because I was such a horrible mother and started thinking about the long nights ahead with a screaming child which I absolutely can not stick in a crate and dump outside. (I also can not call in to work because of whining dogs where I can with a sick child). (BTW, this is the first time in 13 years, I have ever put a dog outside like that-in fact my 13 yo Chow/shepherd mix glared at me, like “wtf are you doing mom.” And slept by the back door where the doxies were at).
So needless to say, my husband woke up to me- a balling panicky mess this morning that is completely exhausted, feeling quite inhumane and cruel and thinking I am going to be the worst mother in history.
My dogs are fine. It was a beautiful balmy night and I went to the back door to see them snoozing away and happy as clams when I let them out to potty. They were their normal overly loving selves when we came back in the house.
I get to work and am immediately bombarded by a nasty email from one of our counterparts in Germany. He copied the higher ups and completely LIED in his email and distorted the situation. My boss told me what he was going to reply and it was basically just letting him do what he wants because he didn’t want to deal with him and did not address the issue of the lies. I LOST IT. (and I don’t lose it at work people. I am a hardass and I become a complete bitch. I DO NOT EFFING CRY.) I started uncontrollably sobbing. Of course I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom where I spent a half hour soaking my face in cold rags and slobbering into a wad of toilet paper. I AM A MESS.
I did regain some semblance of composure and wrote a very scathing reply with facts and supporting documents and sent it to my boss. He laughed at me and he can send it as is or change it. I don’t care. Since then I have fought the tears by stuffing my face with Coco Rice Krispy treats from a co-worker.
W.T.F. is wrong with me? Is this just hormones? Is this lack of sleep? Combination of both? Or am I really doomed to be a psycho mom that gets her kids taken away because I dump them on the porch at night? I feel completely out of my element, and barely myself. What happened to me?