Monday, November 15, 2010

Losing Sanity

I’m feeling very depressed today. I’m not sure why. I didn’t wake up feeling that way. I slept pretty soundly last night. I don’t feel overly tired. Maybe it’s just Monday, but I don’t feel like myself today. Maybe it’s the impending Holidays and knowing the in-laws are descending upon my sanctuary next week. Maybe it’s a hangover from all the shopping/walking/decisions this weekend. I just have a list of complaints and that’s not typically like me.

My wrists hurt. They are very painful and if I move a certain way my hands shoot pains and go numb and swell. My calves keep cramping up and my back aches. I should be able to say: “Whatever, this is what happens to a pregnant body.” I can’t. I feel like I have lost all control over everything and I’m trapped. My doctor wants me to start using the treadmill and doing prenatal Yoga because I’ve gained 10 pounds but how am I supposed to do that when it hurts to even breathe sometimes. I can barely hold a pen or type this entry and you want me to support my weight in downward-facing-dog position on my swollen little wrists?

I’m trapped in a body that doesn’t belong to me anymore and that I can’t control. The hormones are even attacking my ability to think straight so I’ve lost control of my brain.

Any decisions over nursery décor, baby names, etc. seem to have been taken over by my husband and I’m just being swept along on a wave without a clue as to what’s going on and the worst part is I’m not sure I even care anymore. I can't make a decision to save my life.

When did I lose all control? When did I become this shell, this alien host to a little life that I’m starting to feel disconnected from?

Is this a typical momentary event during the middle of pregnancy that is short term as things start progressing quickly and you feel left behind or is this uniquely a feeling of mine and a precursor to PPD which runs in my family?

I shouldn’t feel this way! I’ve struggled for over three years to get here, why are these feelings and thoughts intruding on my happiness and excitement? It’s not fair and I want it to go away.

I knew what I was getting into. I wanted this and knew the possible consequences and I have tried to be joyous about everything and not complain. It’s not about me anymore but I’m having a hard time adjusting right now. I feel like I’m losing myself. I feel out of control.

If one more thing goes wrong at work today, and people don’t quit talking to me, I’m going to lose my shit and scream. Just Leave me the fuck alone people. What is so hard about that? Is it not obvious that I don’t want to be talked to?


  1. I'm just a lurker from BOTB but have followed your journey and am inspired on a regular basis by you. I wanted to give you an E-hug and remind you that nothing is permanent. You won't feel this way forever. It will get better.

  2. I'm sorry you are having such a crap day. When we struggle to get and stay pregnant, we feel like we can't complain. But you know what? You are in pain and hurting and being pregnant is hard sometimes. I really hope that you get to feeling better honey. Sending you hugs and prayers sweetheart. Tons and tons of them.