So I had the oddest conversation with my mother tonight. I know better then to call her, but sometimes, you just want to talk to your mother. We used to have a fabulous relationship until well circumstances being what they are. We have drifted. Yet, I still go through phases where I want my family no matter how beat down I feel afterward.
Today, was one of those days. I've been battered by my body this week and I wanted some comfort. What the hell was I thinking? Bless her heart, she tries, I guess. She doesn't understand though and how could I expect her to? I just never quite expect what I do get.
"Are you sure you want kids? Is it worth putting yourself through all this?" Well, gee Mom, let me think, I don't know. BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING HAVE KIDS, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YET! Was it worth it to you? You seem to enjoy having your grandchildren around you at all times? Do you just not want any from me because I'm not T? YOU HAVE KIDS! You tell me.
"Well, I'm sorry you have to go through this, but atleast you didn't get it from my side of the family." WHAT? I don't even know how to respond to this. WHAT? I'm not BLAMING anyone. You didn't PICK the genes to give out at birth. This isn't ABOUT YOU.
"You should write everything your going through down, like a journal, so you can hold it over your kids heads, if you ever have them that is." A) I do, its called a blog and no you can't read it because I'm going to periodically verbally throat punch your ass on it. B) Who the fuck are you? Do I know you at all?
"You shouldn't be bitter. You should be happy for everyone who has children and are blessed, especially since you aren't." Who the fuck are you and what did you do with my mother? You know, the mother I had 10 years ago, who was supportive and loving and had it together. Who the hell is this scatterbrained woman who doesn't know how to comfort me or even talk to me? I want a shoulder to cry on and someone who can answer why this is happening to me.
My mother knew everything. She was the smartest person I knew, the matriarch of the family. Where did she go? Why am I crying on my keyboard when I should be curled up in my mother's lap, asking her to fix it? Why can't you fucking fix me? Why am I broken? Why don't you love me now that I'm broken?
Buckin, you're welcome to cry on my shoulder any time my dear. Would you like to borrow my mama for a bit? I'm happy to share her with you.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your mom snaps out of it soon. She doesn't know what she's missing.
Oh, Buck. I'm so sorry. I'd offer up my mom too, but I actually borrow S's. She's much better.
ReplyDeleteI've had these moments. I knew what was coming in the first paragraph. Things are rough, and you just want your mom's voice, her comforting words, the unspoken thing that says she loves you no matter what. Sometimes they aren't able to deliver. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you anymore. I don't know why they lose it, but some do.
Next time, call me. I'll hold you and stroke your hair all the way from here and I promise you'll hear it in my voice.
I love you!
You can borrow my mom too!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that she let you down so badly. It isn't fair to you. I just want to sit by your side and hug you all day long. I am here for you anytime, day or night.