AF = MESS

Happy Period? I joked about it yesterday, today, I'm fuming. There is a letter floating out there somewhere that a comedian wrote discussing what a period was really like. I would post a copy here, but I can't seem to find it. Let me just state, that even she was wrong.

Warning: gross destriptive language used below.

My body does not just "shed its lining" or have a "period." It's not just an inconvenience to slip tampons out of their floral plastic casings discreetly in the public restroom. I can't just pop a midol and complain about my bloat to my girlfriends over chocolate cake. That would be too easy.

My AF visits me in a rip roaring mudslide complete with rocks and a few houses thrown in. Seriously, I give BIRTH to blood clots. My bathroom looks like a bomb went off at a nuclear power plant. There are finger indentions in my solid surface counter tops from me gripping it, my throat is sore from groaning while pushing as well as from throwing up acidic bile and IBprofun slime. There's towels on the floor to mop the hot water since I crawled out of a hot bath (heat and water sometimes soothes and helps pass the clots, don't ask, it obviosly didn't work today) to puke over the toilet. There is yellow thick bile all in the bathtub since I threw up in there while Sitting on the toilet giving birth. THIS WAS MY MORNING. After two hours of this I finally curled up in a ball on a heating pad in my bed and slept for two hours only to wake up and do it all again for another hour. For the past FOUR hours I've been on my Sofa, with a heating pad, a comforter and my dog in the fetal position crying. Atlast, another clot passed and I have found some comfort. The last one, was complete with chuncks the size of dimes of fleshy bloody material that makes you want to cry.

I KNOW I am not pregnant this time. I can tell you that before charting, I wondered if it was baby material though. I have always had very bad periods with clots through out my life randomly. The worst one was the summer before we got married. I was living with my parents but DH (then FI was staying with me that weekend because I was in so much pain and he was trying to comfort me) finally they took me to the hospital after two days of not passing anything where they gave me morphine and wanted to a DNC. I thought I had lost a baby but they said no, I was never pregnant. My body just has problems "shedding the lining." I have not had one quite that bad since but almost. If that was a 10 on the pain scale, today was a 7 but I made it through it. I'm hoping that since I have been fairly comfortable for the past 30 minutes, its over this month.

This scares me for multiple reasons. 1) the pain of labor is all too real to me and I don't do that well with it. The words "I'm dying, there is no way I can live through this" and "Somebody please just kill me" have actually been used during some of my more horrendous clotting moments. Bless my husband's heart, he doesn't quite know how to handle when I'm in pain. 2) I can not imagine having an actual miscarriage. For those of you who have experienced it, you have my complete sympathy not only for the loss of life but the trauma and pain you have to experience on top of knowing what it is. I KNOW my clots are unfertilized lining (and probably clumps of dead semen and egg tissue) but to know what I was looking at was MORE than that. I can NOT imagine and I don't know how I would deal with that.

You never think it could happen to you, but I never thought PCOS would happen to me or infertility. I never even considered it because my family is so big. Now I'm scared that it will. That I will finally get my positive sign only for it to end in a painful bloody clumpy mess a short time later. I don't know how much strength I have left to fight this war with myself. I admire all of you for standing strong and having faith and love to get through those times. I don't know how you do it.

For today, I will stay on my sofa and hopefully convince DH to go to Walgreens to pick up feminine products, chocolate and dinner. (I think I've done pretty well not asking him to do this for me in the five years we've been together...its time he was broken in don't ya think?) I will be pissed at my body and pissed at the Dr's office who still hasn't called me back even though I left two messages AGAIN today. I'm supposed to start my Clomid tomorrow and I can't even get the Dr.'s to call me to get the prescription but that's a conversation for later. I'm going back to my fetal position on my heating pad with my puppy. (Who knew wiener dogs could be such good little nurses? He has been the absolute best dog today.)