Wednesday, May 11, 2011

He beats me down and then lifts me up.

At 5:30 this morning I felt like I had reached my breaking point. Since Sunday, I have not had any amount of consecutive sleep nor a break. My husband has been so busy with school, work, the garden etc. that I have been on parenting duty 24 hours a day...and my child has been fussy that entire time. I think I may have had 2 hours of sleep total during each night.

So as he literally beat up on me this morning, whining, kicking me, punching me, flailing limbs, I thought I had reached my breaking point when it crossed my mind to go wake DH, hand him my child and walk out the door.

Don't get me wrong, I never thought about staying gone. I just needed down time and was desperate. I wanted to go for a thirty minute drive, a walk, something outside of this house to brush away the cobwebs in my brain.

As the tears started to fall, my child suddenly started smiling at me and staring at me with those gourgeous eyes and cooing. He was happy and I cried harder.

I worry that this is the beginning of Post Partum Depression but on the other hand I think any sane person may feel this desperate with this little sleep and a baby that is sleeping in 15 minute increments and needs a lot of attention. According to the Girlfriends Guide every single person experiences some type of Baby Blues or thoughts like that on some scale so maybe I'm normal and I not at the point of needing intervention.

I'm a good mom. He is a happy baby. He is just having some stomach issues right now and is very needy...and the result is a very zombie like, worn out, emotional mom. I can get through this.

Hopefully, my husband will get off work at a decent time tonight and can give me a much needed break.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds totally normal to me. I had quite a few nights when I had thoughts of leaving the baby on someones doorstep (I NEVER would have literally). Sleep deprivation is the cruelest form of torture. I used to think I was the only person awake in the middle of the night for hours at a time trying to get a crying baby to sleep, and shedding some tears myself. You're doing a fantastic job. You are wholeheartedly loving that baby and really love and food is all he needs. The tummy issues will work out, sleep will return. It only gets better :)