I had a breakthrough/breakdown (depending on how you look at it) last weekend. I organized my belly pictures from pregnancy and realized how good I had looked losing the 46lbs last year...even though I had more to lose.
Then I saw a picture of myself taken memorial sunday visiting friends and ZOMG. I look horrendous. I do not look like I've only gained 24lbs. OH NO. I realized how bad my stomach rolls pooch out thanks to numbness and no more stomach muscles thanks to pregnancy and a c-section. I realized how far my hips had spread despite not getting to actually go through birth vaginally. To top off the trifecta of body alteration hell, my already flat fat ass is now sagging right along with my boobs. I look 100 lbs bigger rather than 24.
AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHIT! FRUMP monster anyone? I'm facing what I actually look like post pardum and it scares the hell out of me. I don't look like myself and I don't look like I feel.
I do know this. I will not look like this forever. I may never be able to straighten out the wierd dip where my C-section scar is, I may always have some numbness and sagging there but I can REDUCE the fat. I can become stronger and if I'm never thin (because I've rarely been truly thin in my life) I can atleast show my kids that I'm always trying, active and eating healthy. I can instill good examples because I refuse to believe that my chance at looking like I want is over. I'm just getting started.
In two weeks I have lost 8 pounds via weight watchers. That people is progress. So you may snicker that I posted this horrible picture of myself and laugh at how big I've become. You may gasp behind your computer screens at "OMG she's huge. WHO KNEW?!" but I'm being honest with myself, with you. I'm holding accountable my body.
I'm being proactive and making changes. I have a son to live for, to be healthy for and I refuse to feel bad about myself in a few years when I need to be focused on his activities and his giggles and smiles. I may never wear a bikini but I will like myself in a sedate one piece while tossing my baby in the air and down into the water of our pool no matter who is around. I will not live my life trying to hide my body through THICK and THIN. I am who I am and I can say that no matter what people think of me, I'm always trying.
I don't WANT to look like this. So when you pass me (or anyone else) don't feel sorry for me. Just pray for me and know that my story isn't over. This isn't what I will face in the mirror everyday. I will always try for the rest of my life and I'm doing a damn good job at it.