I feel like my mental stability as a mom is coming unhinged. I've been rationalizing it as sleep deprivation because this week has been hell. I've been racking my brain and studying symptoms etc to see if it's something wrong with him causing him to be so fussy besides colic. Does he have reflux? Is he getting enough to eat?
Thursday my milk supply TANKED. So I increased the pumping, ordered FENUGREEK and Mother's MILK TEA and upped the oatmeal and food intake because I had started skipping meals again dealing with a fussy baby.
Everything had to do with HIM being fussy but that doesn't excuse the things I've done or thoughts I've had.
Last night I wasn't alert. He was screaming and i was in a fog. I was literally running into furniture and doorways and stumbling down the hall while holding him to change his diaper. That's not safe.
As I'm trying to change him he is full on screaming and kicking and I'm struggling just to get a diaper on. How is a 5 week old that strong and how is that I can't seem to "overpower" a 5 week olds legs to fasten some velcro tabs? And I'm telling him in a firm voice to "stop." Yea, because that's going to work.
I'm trying to burp him him and he's flailing fists and his head in my face and clawing at my chest. My chest is actually sore and I can't figure that out because I clip his nails every week. They are not long. Again, I'm telling him to "Stop, you are hurting mommy." Why do I bother? What possesses me to try and rationalize with an irate new born?
I'm so mad but I can't figure out if I'm mad at him, mad at my DH for being oblivious to all of this and giving me no help or support this week, mad at the world because I'm so tired I can't think straight or what. He is fighting me so hard he didn't even want to take the boob and I was being stubborn and not feeding him a bottle because I'm trying to get my supply up and I new damn well there was milk in the tits. I could feel it. He just wanted to scream and flail and suck on his fists instead. One point he grabbed my nipple (I'm sure by complete accident as he doesn't ahve control of his limbs yet) but once he got ahold of it he clamped down and wouldn't let go and was trying to rip it off. The same nipple that he has created a blister on from sucking so roughly. The same nipple he tried to rip off with his mouther earlier by bashing his head side to side with a hell of a latch going.
I think I may have been screaming in pain louder than him at this point. DH slept through it all.
Then when I didn't think I could take anymore he fell asleep in my arms while I rocked him and my tears fell on his face. I put him in his crib for the first time to actually get him away from me because I was so emotionally confused.
He slept for about 45 minutes and we started all over again. I finally broke down to give him a bottle and as I sit down with him he immediately stops crying and the most amazing smile lights up his face as he looks at me and I lose it.
I sat there while he happily sucked down a bottle and cried my eyes out.
I'm an emotional wreck. Most of the time I'm fine but there are hours when he is screaming that I get so confused at night on what I'm feeling. Last night as an added bonus I had gone through family crisis earlier in the evening. My dad had run over my sisters dog and left him there thinking he wasn't hurt that badly instead of taking him to the vet because he was in a hurry. My sister was irate and then called me from the emergency vet bawling her eyes out because the dogs pelvis, legs and base of his spine were shattered. This was her children's dog. They are 6 and 3. She had to put him down. I had to talk her through it while crying with her. Then I had to call my mom and warn her that all hell was going to break loose when she got home and Dad better run. As it turned out, my father was devastated when he found out. He really thought he had just bumped into him with the corner of the trailer he was pulling. He didn't realize the trailer had ran over him. He punched a wall, messed up his hand and they thought he was going to have a heartattack while he was burying the dog because he was crying so hard blaming himself he wasn't breathing. I'm dealing with all of this over the phone as they all live on a farm over an hour away and my kid is screaming the entire time as well. Last night, every time I drifted off for a cat nap in his quiet moments all of it replayed in my head...including the scene where the dog gets hit as if I were there. W.T.F. I'm losing my everloving mind.
I want to protect my son. I love him more than words can say but sometimes when I'm so tired that I'm a physical menace to both of us and I just don't have the mental capacity to even to through the motions I think I need to protect him from me.
I'm sick of hearing "Sleep when he sleeps." I can't fucking sleep. There is too much to do. There is laundry to be done because he pees through everything. There's bottles to be washed. I have to pump to stimulate my milk. I have to try and shove something passable as food down my throat to stimulate my milk. I have to do dishes and cook in order to have said food. I have to do our laundry. I have to take care of insurance claims and pay bills and go to the grocery store and Dr's appointments. That doesn't include the other household chores and yardwork that I have completely let go. I have dust buffalo hiding under my barstools because I haven't so much as swiffered my hardwoods in over a week. I haven't vacuumed in prob. four. I can see dust on my furniture. My flowerbeds are weed beds and there's overturned patio furniture on the porch from all the storms. If you drive by my house you would think we were Sampson and Son it looks so bad right now. AND IT DRIVES ME INSANE because I can't stop thinking about it or trying to get SOMEthing DONE IF i HAVE a spare ten minutes.
On his good days, things are awesome. Even on some of his bad days they are still great...but there have been two or three times in this hell week that I've been like this.
I despise medicines. I don't want to subject him to antidepressents. If I have to go on meds, breastfeeding is probably over. Part of me wants to give up breastfeeding and the other part of me can't. I feel like such a failure right now. As a wife, a mom, a sane human being.