Walking in a Work Wonderland

My coworkers and I decided to have an impromptu decorating party today in our office. (When the boss is away, the employees will play!) A few strands of leftover white lights, some copy paper (misuse of office supplies perhaps?), scissors and a little kindergarten creativity. Add some strands of linked paperclips and before too long we had snowflakes dangling from the ceiling tiles, and all the windows strung with lights.

An MP3 hooked up to computer speakers and Christmas had come to our little office. Human Resources donated a poinsettia from the lobby decorations so we are set with the Christmas cheer. I'm sure my boss will be surprised.

Midnight Anger Management

Sometimes, I'm not a good parent. I recognize my flaws and am trying to move away from them.

My angry toned curse words for example. In the middle of sleep deprived night number 2, as I spill formula all over me trying to fill a bottle and hold a squirmy crying baby all by the glow of a twilight turtle...and a loud angry "damn it" spews from my lips waking the house.

I'm not mad at my son, I'm mad at myself for adding more work to my exhausted night, but I have to stop the knee jerk reactions because he is starting to understand words and already feels the tones.

I don't want him growing up on pins and needles waiting to be startled by one of mommy's outburts or thinking he did it.

I'm wound tight, highstrung but I have to relax and take mishaps of motherhood in stride, stress and exhaustion be darned. There's more at stake here than me and my bad habits.

But in the darkness, through bloodshot eyes, crying because I let myself go, it's hard to think clearly.

My poor baby is teething, tired and I wasn't fixing it. Instead, I got frustrated and had to hand him off to his dad to get out of wet pants and clean up the floor.

Not one of my best parenting moments, to say the least...and it shows as evidence by this picture taken today...after a long day at work/daycare. We are both exhausted and pale.

:fingers crossed for a good night of sleep tonight and a happy baby and momma tomorrow:

Politically Incorrect-the Real Me

I've tried to be politically correct on my blog as much as possible, writing so as not to offend any readers or insite a hater club following. The thing is though, I write for me. I write to relieve tension, express emotion, remember events. I don't go all out to make it perfect. I typically write on paper first and then when I have a chance, grab an entry and type it in. I type fast...like 150 words per minute fast (the advantages of being addicted to yahoo chat rooms in the mid 90's) but I also make mistakes. there's a slight disconnect between my fingers and my brain. So when I re-read posts (usually at a later date when I'm reading comments) I notice the mistakes: adn instead of and. An S on the beginning of a word instead of the end of the previous one. Little things that I SHOULD take the time to correct!

I don't do the sponsor thing. I'm not writing to bring in money though I wouldn't be opposed to it if someone (like Lane Bryant, yoooohooooo over here fat fashion gods!) came along and offered me something I could use in exchange for a teensy weensy badge...yea I would sell out, but I don't see me going out and actively soliciting every etsy seller for pennies just to look cool. I probably won't ever write well enough to illicit a following big enough to justify that anyway. ::shrugs:: Not the point of why I write.

Yes, of course I wish I had more readers because I've developed some kick ass relationships with some of them! (although google is still being a bitch and not letting me post on google blogs thus why I'm in the process of transitioning to Wordpress!) I still write for me though. So why do I continue to hide parts of myself from everyone? If people quit reading because I express views they disagree with then I don't need closed minded people in my life. They don't hide thier views from me and a few tend to shove them in my face even. I disagree with bloggers all the time but I respect that they have an opinion and freedom of expression and I keep my mouth shut.

So I'm agreeing to be more honest, with myself, with my blog, with the few dedicated readers I have (and hopefully the don't run screaming when they find out my number on the scale, my religious confusion or the fact that I'm a conservative pro-life republican ---GASP!)

In the end, I'm still me, the girl who struggled with weight (and continues to do so) and fertility, new mom, working gal, living in the crazy world, paying bills, loving my husband, adoring my son,and trying to put down the lemon pound cake. I just sometimes have a little more to say on subjects. I'll never be a Dooce or a Pioneer Woman. God forbid I'm ever a Under1000amonth blogger either. I join blog sites to find new things to read but never promote myself. Maybe I should to find more kindred spirits to keep me motivated. I'm inspired daily by people and their commitment to honesty on their blogs. Holding themselves accountable like skinnyemmie.com. With my current life, I strive to be more like that, for the sake of me.

So beware. I'm letting down my hair...a little at a time. (My courage comes in small doses because like everyone I still have a desire to be liked even by a few.)

Pumping Fiasco

This has been a rough past two weeks. First week of daycare, first postpardum AF, unbelievable exhaustion, and decline in milk supply AGAIN!I'm sleeping but it's compounded by mental fatigue and stress. On top of all that, I have almost fallen asleep while driving, have almost wrecked my car on the highway which further frayed my nerves.

With much relief, I entered Friday with slightly more optimism. Tomorrow I would get to hang with my son. No schedules and packing bottles. Just relaxing with him while cleaning the house and maybe weeding the flowerbeds, spending time with family.

Then disaster and mortifaction slapped me up side the head. I pump in an obscure closet of a conference room perched on top of an office in the middle of a warehouse. (tall shelves housing mechanical parts, shipping center and forklifts with men busily going about their day as I climb the tricky metal stairs 2-3 times per day.)

As I sat in my quiet little room with the gentle sound of the whoosh whoosh of the pump, I was lulled into a catatonic state. A few moments of blissful slumber until the dry suction made my poor nipple scream in protest sending pain signals to my brain which triggered me to wake suddenly. I glanced at the clock to see I had been in there for over 45 minutes so I rushed to wipe the sleeping drool from my face, throw my pump gear in the bag and dash out the door.

I recieved a few odd looks but kept on my determined path back to my office. Halfway there, I looked down...my boob was hanging out.



Granted my bra was covering it but there it was...this massive bright white cotton covered boob shining as pretty as you please out of the deep vneck of my dark green printed shirt.

If I could have melted into the concrete floor like kitty from the XMEN (dork alert!) I would have...in a heartbeat.

This has NOT been my week!

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. ~Mark Twain

I'm a terrible hypocritical mother. I judge harshly parents who use the tv as a babysitter ALL the time (and video games). You know the ones. The TV is ALWAYS on tuned into the kid's channel with Dora the Explorer chanting about going to Grandma's house in the two languages. The Zombie Apocolypse is on the rise not from a government experiment gone wrong but a generation of mindless bored children staring at tv screens/game consoles/and computer screens all day.

My husband (who is tv/computer obsessed) and I agreed that our children would have limited access to these items. That means giving up our favorite shows, satellite tv etc. We can't tune in without little one doing so. I'm not sure he has realized that there really isn't going to be time to watch all these shows anyway. I can't tell you the last time I actually watched a whole show all the way through. There's too much to do.

After bragging on my child sleeping through the night for pretty much a few months, he has gotten off schedule this week. he doesn't want to sleep in his crib. He wakes up screaming, like he's having nightmares, needing to be held. So I've spent the whole week getting very little sleep and increasing my back pain by sleeping propped up on the sofa with him.

This morning even his feeding schedule was off so in order to get out the door on time and because he was in a good playful mood, I put him in his bouncer...with cartoons on the TV. He was one enthralled happy boy. Legs bouncing 90 miles per hour, eyes glued to the TV, happily slobbering all over the spinning rattle and his fists.

It was like a knife to my heart. What the hell have I done? I've noticed him watching the TV and computer screens a few times before. We've even put on the Baby Einstein once or twice to see if it captured his attention but he's only good for about 5 or 10 minutes max preferring to enteract with us or a toy.

I'm kicking myself for setting him up to watch TV this morning just so I could eat breakfast while getting dressed, but I can't promise I won't do it again either.

Satellite is officially cancelled as of today. Broadcast TV is what we have (with the basic Netflix and Hulu Plus as side options). No more Teen Mom, Food Network or marathons of NCIS.

No TV heads in my house, except for that 20 minutes on a weekday morning when I need to bathe in coffee and get ready for work. ::headwall::

Someone want to let me in?

How do you get through the day? i'm a semi reformed caffiene addict. I limit my caffiene intake so that my child does not get caffiene laced breastmilk (even though it may still be coffee flavored as I try to trick my body with lots of decaff). and also so as not to further reduce my supply.

But heaven help me, my child has not been cooperative on the sleep side of things since going back to work. So I'm having zombie periods during the day. Especially right around the time I pump. that whole hour I could easily join a thriller Flash mob and fit right in. I eat and drink a whole bottle of water during that time but then I just feel like a floating zombie. More along the lines of Kevin Costners acting job in Waterworld than a hip Michael Jackson Video.

Will I get used to this or are there tricks to dealing with exhaustion besides caffiene, protein and stretching muscles? If so, please let me in on the mom code because I'm feeling a little left out

A Perfect Day to end and Begin

A perfect day, as perfect as it can be, is both a joy and a curse. Today is my last full day alone on maternity leave. My time is up. It means that my baby is no longer solely mine but a little boy that I have to share with the world. I will no longer get all of his firsts.

I may not hear his first word or see his first crawl or tentative step. I've had three months of watching him develop and grow. Of watching his smiles light up his face. Of being his whole world. Days when his eyes glow as he stares at me while he eats. Moments that I hold close to my heart as he smiles at me around the breast because he's more happy to coo at his mom than to eat (and for my chunky monkey that is saying a lot because my boy loves to eat).

I'm torn because today has been one of those rare perfect mornings. We managed to run errands and he stayed happy the whole time. We snuggled this morning and he has smiled and cuddled all day. It thrills me that this day was so amazing but it also makes it hard because I'm not going to get these great days anymore. My life is fixing to be packed full because I have to be at the office during the day which means in the evening and weekends I have to cram it all in at home. It's a hard concept.

I don't want to go back to work but I know he will be fine. I know anyone who has the care of him will love him because he's a joy and a beautiful child. I know my aunt will love her month with him and I know he will enjoy being around other children at the daycare. I also know that the paycheck I earn will allow for all the things we want to do for him and give him. Money isn't everything but it sure does afford more possibilities. We have a good life. We have a nice place with room for him to run and explore and have adventures. Land that bears fresh food for us, a pool for amazing summer fun. We don't have anything huge or fancy or fancy cars but what we do have needs maintenance. We just took a loan out to put a new roof on the house. It's one of those things that has to be done which means I need to work because for now, its just not enough for his dad to do so alone. We have a great plan. A healthy one and one that works for all parties. I just have to stick to it.

I remember my mom both as a working mom and a SAHM. I never felt any differently toward her whether she worked or not. Looking back I know I always admired how much she accomplished either way. While I feel the need to live up to her because she was so amazing, I also hope that my children will feel the same about me. That they never lacked for anything and that whether I worked or not I always provided for them and loved them and that they suffered nothing because of our choices as parents. Even through my rebellious teen years when I thought I was smarter then them, I knew that they provided well and was always grateful for what I had. That's a lot to live up to but it was also a great example for me to parent by.

So I am thankful for this amazing day and I know that even though I will be a working mom and miss my baby like crazy that I will provide a good life and he will love me and this is the right thing for us. I will keep telling myself that anyway.

I was starting to get the hang of superSAHMmom. It's time I master SuperWorkingMom and if I come close to being as accomplished as my mother was then I know I will be doing a good job. My whole life is my son. As parents we both totally believe everything we are doing is for him now, and it motivates you like nothing else. I will be good at this....and my coworkers, bless them have already armed themselves with boxes of kleenex's just in case I blubber my way through the first week.

Mousecrumb Mom

which includes shoving whatever crumbs from a bare cabinet in your mouth that you can.

My cupboards are empty. Seriously. We have food in there but I've discovered that what we have left is gas inducing in me, which increases gas in Matthew so I'm avoiding those foods...and we have emptied out everything else.

I need to go to the grocery store but my maternity checks have not started arriving yet and we are dipping into savings to pay the bills. I have this thing about not using savings even though that is what it is there for and I knew we would have to use some of it, but I just can't bring myself to use it for groceries. Quarky I know.

I am hoping my check arrives today, but if it doesn't, I will break down and go grocery shopping. I'm desperate.

For breakfast this morning I scrambled an egg and paired it with a piece of lunchmeat and cheese on toast. There is one piece of lunchmeat and cheese left...just enough for DH to have a sammy this afternoon. My shelves in the fridge are barren except for cartons of eggs and a brita water pitcher (thanks to Dad's very productive chickens!). It's rather pitiful.

I have a feeling my well stocked kitchen is going to be pretty pitiful from here on out...just because I won't have the time to experiment, cook elaborately, and shop whenever I want. It is way too much of a hassle to make sure everything is in the diaper bag, get him ready, haul him in and out of the car etc. and time it all around naps so he's not fussing and disturbing everyone under the sun. I'd rather live off eggs and water.

From Foodie to Mousecrumb Mom....and maybe back again? We shall see.

Writers Block- sort of

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've lost the desire to blog. I keep handwriting great entries, taking pictures, writing notes in my dayplanner of what to blog that day, but when I actually log on, my mind goes blank and/or I don't feel like typing up what I handwrote earlier.

I'm not sure what the deal is. I need to post all these pregnancy posts NOW because they won't be relevant when the baby is here and I'll be consumed with him.

Right now, I'm consumed with getting him here. My whole life is revolving around getting things ready (and the nursery is done! so I need to post pics!), walking, spending time with my husband, and just BEING before my world changes.

So forgive the temporary break. I'll probably have a posting blitz one night when I can't sleep after feeding my child or something and all of a sudden there will be a million posts to catch up on.

For now, I'm just trying to get through each day functioning through the pressure (it feels like a bowling ball pressing down on my pubic area), going to work, breathing through contractions, walking in the evening, cooking dinner, doing chores...just living normally while waiting for this next step.

Walk Like an Egyptian

that does not mean run out in the street demanding a change in governmental power(though right now that's not a half bad idea) or go burn down a church. The title is simply a statement on the lovely ways our bodies noticeably change our walking during pregnancy.
I have stooped clutching my back at various times like an old person with a cane who should be brandishing it with relish while shouting "hey you kids, get off my lawn!"
My current walking pattern mimics more closely a penguin waddle. Except I don't hold my head aloof with my sleek black and white coat glistening though my hair does resemble a fuzzy topknot most days. No, my waddle is not regal, but slow and painful and frumpy.

The discomfort in late pregnancy (that induces the waddle) is not from sheer girth I have found out. The size I can handle and function rather normally (minus shaving the ladybits & home pedicures). It's the agonizing gravitational pressure and pelvic/pubic pain that is making life difficult.
In all the pregnant people I've known, I odn't remember them talking about the pain just the pressure. The pressure I can deal with but the stabbing sharp pain with every left foot forward step is excruciating. It is making my life at work miserable as I have a roughly 1/4 mile walk just from the parking lot to my office.
I dread coming to work on a daily basis now but do not have enough vacation time to take off without cutting into FMLA so I have to stick it out 2 more weeks. I'm actually seeing why some people want their babies to come a tad early (one or two weeks only not the crazycakes who want to give birth at less than 37 weeks.
Flame if you must, but as i am 37 weeks today, I think I might actually have to "squee" (the excited kind) if I went into labor in the next week. Although I would appreciate it if he holds out until after the maternity shoot this weekend and my last trip to BRU on payday. If he needs to bake longer, I'm okay witht hat to, I just can't promise not to be a little ornery from time to time.
Maybe this is nature's way of getting us over our fears and nerves about labor and becoming a new parent: make us extremely uncomfortable & physically miserable, emotionally worn down so we don't care about the pain and potential negatives and fear. We just want to meet this little evil mastermind that has been systematically thumping our insides monotonously like interior chinese water torture untilwe go insane.
While I love every second and will miss him being safe and secure in there, I'm definitely gearing up to really wanting to meet my baby (and yea get my body back.)

Irrationally, Illogically Pissed Off

It's a mood. I know it is. It's like when AF is coming and you know you are pmsing but you still can't control yourself. I'm just irrationally, illogically pissed at the world.

I'm tired, I'm in pain, and I'm uncomfortable. I am constipated and bloated. I don't want to go to work everyday. It hurts to walk around. My husband is great but I need some fucking help up in this joint.

He finally got a break from school and he gets sick so instead of getting some relief, I get more work dumped on me because we all know a mancold trumps pregnancy. Why is it that when I was puking my guts up a few weeks ago while pregnant, and weak I still managed to take care of the dogs etc but when he is home sick, I have to take over his turn with the dogs and everything else? EVEN when I'm having contractions.

And all this is just pointless ranting. Because its one day in time and soon to be over and I KNOW that my mood is close to the insanity point right now. I'm taking everything out of proportion and personally. I know THIS! But I can't stop it.

I'm feeling lost and emotional and like a beached whale ready to snap someone's head off.

Tricks of the Trade to Get through the Day

Pregnant or not we all face those days of sheer exhaustion where we just don't think we will make it through the day. And it's barely 8:30am. Under normal circumstances we can chug back several venti starbucks like a frat boy doing keg stands during Greek Week and carry on with our day. Pregnancy however, prevents us (or should) from caffiene loading and creates an even great exhaustion problem.

Imagine if you will a worm hold in space centered over your abdomen sucking your energy away from you in a swirling vortex. There is no Starbucks at the edge of the Universe. Real life is not a Douglas Adams novel despite feeling like a depressed robot on auto pilot!


So as a courtesy to you I have put together my list of things I have adapted to, to make it through a day.

1) Water-there is no caffiene but keeping your body hydrated helps keep it running more efficiently and helps with the sandy dry eye feeling.

2) Walking (especially outside)-when my head keeps jerking towards my desk like its magnetized, its time to take a 10 minute walk to get some fresh air and circulate the blood. If you have to do this twice an hour so be it.

3) Decaff coffee or Hot tea-the warmth and flavor almost tricks the brain into thinking you are fueling up on your caffinated beverage of choice. It gives you a temporary psychological boost.

4)Food-I've never been a snacker. I was doing good to eat 3 meals a day. As your pregnancy progresses your eating habits change with it. Frankly, there isn't room to eat large meals and you don't want the heartburn that comes with it. so you start eating little bits every few hours. This keeps your energy level more even as well. I keep a LOT of fresh fruit around me now. I'm not sure you will find my desk without an apple and water bottle hanging out together.

5) Power Naps- a necessary evil. yes, they are never long enough and you may still feeel groggy but sometimes catching 10-20 minutes of shut eye in your car at lunch is a necessity for your mental stability (so you don't stab a co-worker with a letter opener because they just want shut up during a meeting).

6) Protein- It's burned slower so gives you a more consistent energy level than carbs. Carbs are like an energy drink-they pin your eyelids to your forehead immediately but unlike Joan Rivers cheek bones, they almost as quickly sag to your chin a short time later.

Finally: Caffiene. I know its the forbidden fruit of pregnancy but you can safely have small quantities of it. And Really? I would rather hype my kid up in utero every now and again than risk a car wreck because I fell asleep at the wheel.

Common sense is the key and all of these tips are spread through pregnancy books but as its a daily grind for my insomniac self, I thought it worth its own post.

Picture Credit.

Loathing in Las Vegas....erm...North Carolina

Have I mentioned how much I hate maternity pants lately? Because I do. I'm not sure if it's because I'm plus sized, if they just aren't made right or what, but they are th emost uncomfortable and unattractive clothing items, I've ever put on my body. (and I've worn corsets, girdle's and a myriad of other contraptions that weren't deemed clothing). Why? Simply, they do not stay up!

the fit snugly in the hips and thighs, the length is good, but they have huge awkward belly panels that do not stay in place so when I walk the pants slide down leavin ghte crotch at my knees and my ass exposed because they take my underwear with them. There is possibly nothin on earth that makes you feeel more unattractive than exposing winter white flesh of the hip or dimpled butt crack while waddling through your place of employment or the grocery store doing the awkward heave/yank dance to keep your pants up. It's embarrassing.

By the end of the day I'm exhausted simply from maintainig my outfit and immediately slip on the nearest pair of sweatpants and tank top. I feel bad. I want to look cute and feel sexy for my husband but its kind of hard to do when you hate everything about your clothes. I may burn them after the baby is born. This is why I have squeezed into prepregnancy "fat" jeans for so long because the tightness in the waist was far more comfortable than the torture routine of maternity pants. 35 days to go though and I just can't squeeze anymore.

I'm "this" close to wearing yoga pants to work. I'm counting down and hoping that I can return to prepregnancy pants very quickly post partum. The day of would not be too soon but 2 weeks would suffice. My sweatpants can be worn till then!

Because I'm a masochist at heart

I decided to torture myself further after the Registration failure and epic crying jag last night. My husband has laughed at me and officially taken over the Registration process. He came home to a sobbing/hiccuping melted down me curled on the sofa last night. Not one of my better pregnancy moments I can tell you.

So today, determined to be a better mother than yesterday indicated, I decided to accomplish something for my child's future.

I now have a list of classes, dates offered and fees required at the hospital including: beginner parents, Infant/child CPR certification and Breastfeeding. I will be going over those with my husband this weekend and making a decision on what/when to take them.

We are also pre-registered at the hospital as of today.

I still need to find a pediatrician but that is for another day I think. I have enough of a brain overload after dealing with the hospital and looking into 4 different daycare providers/facilities.

I am waiting to hear back about the In-home lady that was referred to me by a close friend. She has three children of her own, two of which are in school and she's looking for a child to keep during the day to bring in some money. She has kept other people's children and does a lot of short term day care/ babysitting for her church members but is looking for a full time child for extra income. She only lives about 2 miles from my house so that's a plus but I haven't met with her yet.

Daycare 1: Was hit by THE TORNADO last year and has been completely rebuilt and upgraded. The CLEANEST of all the facilities it offers new everything, passcoded door to get into the building as well as a computerized passcoded system to check your child in and out. They do provide formula and food but if you want specifics (which we will be doing breast milk if all goes well) you bring them in. They are not opposed to cloth diapering and just ask that you provide a pail for soiled items and empty it daily when you pick up the child. (YAY!) I met with the teachers and got to watch her interact with the babies which were all super content, clean and happy. In that whole place there wasn't a fussy baby anywhere and I dropped in unannounced so I know they didn't drug them for show..LOL. They just finished moving some children up to a new room and emptied their infant waiting list so I would be the first person on the waiting list and there are a few kids scheduled to move up in age around the time I am needing care. Clean and sanitize Everyday. The registration fee is $55.00 and will hold my spot for 6 months. Weekly fee is $139.00 and i have to pay even if my child won't be there for vacation etc to hold my spot. 2 miles from our house.

Daycare 2: Homestyle Atmosphere in a remodeled old home, older equipment, not as clean. More relaxed environment but they do not provide anything, no pass codes or security system. While I was there, friends of the teacher just came right in and picked up one of the kids to play with. Was not impressed with the facility though the owner was super nice and caring and definately worked hard at a friendly atmosphere. $150.00 per month with a $35.00 registration fee. No discounts for weeks you will be on vacation and not using services...you have to pay full amount to hold your spot. This one is definately out of the running. I was just not comfortable with the lay out and lack of security. 3 miles from our house but in the normal direction both of us take for work (though I can go a different route to go by Daycare 1).

Daycare 3: A well established facility that also provides afterschool care. It is on the older side and you can tell some things (carpet, paint) are worn but still has an essence of cleanliness. 4 star facility. Registration fee of $55.00 with a short waiting list. They were confident they would have a spot for me by the time I need it as they have kids moving up to a new room soon. Weekly Fee of $151.00. They do offer a discount if you will have your child out for a full week (for vacation etc). You only pay 1/3 of the weekly fee to hold your spot so that's nice. They do have a passcode to get into the door but nothing for checking your child in and out other than a teacher's sheet in the classroom. So some security. They are also not opposed to cloth diapering though they have not had anyone request that. They do not provide foods or cereals until toddler age. 4-5 miles from the house but on my normal route to work (half way between my home and work) and only a mile out of the way from DH's work route. They encourage parents to drop by and breastfeed during lunchtime. The main teacher for the infant room was like someone's grandma and the infants seemed very content and she was on the ball. One of the infants was a happy little boy with blue eyes and blonde hair who kept trying to hand me a block and grin at me. I wanted to smooch his little face but did good about keeping my hands off! LOL

All three facilities provide some type of daily sheet with changes, feeding, etc. information. The standard ratio is 5:1 apparently as all facilities claimed that. Until I hear from the In-home lady (and maybe even after) I am leaning toward Daycare 1 because of the ambience, security and overall feeling I got from there. All of them claimed Infant CPR training and state certifications for all their teachers. I'm going to go over the info with DH tonight and we will probably go back and visit Facility 1 and 3 if he wants to compare. I am not opposed to 3 if he prefers it because of location (since he wants to pick little man up every day) and because they have the discounted spot holder fees for weeks we have off (like me this week!) though I'm not sure if it would really save us that much money if any since its $11.00 higher per week then facility 1. There are other options a little further out/out of the way that we can look into but we were trying to stay as close to home/driving route as possible to increase time WITH him, reduce time away from him and in a car. All facilities will work with our schedules so no problem there.

UGH, decisions decisions! On one hand, I'm a little more comfortable now that I have visited with the idea of daycare and leaving my child somewhere but on the other it breaks my heart that I even have to make this decision right now before he is even here! I haven't even held him in my arms and i'm looking at these women who will cuddle him every day in my absence and I want to hate them for that but instead I'm searching their faces for love and compassion so I know they will care for my son.

I feel accomplished for having done all this and i feel like I have made great strides toward providing for my son but it sucks having to do all this "technical" planning when I just want to enjoy feeling him wiggle and dream of his sweet face. For now, I think I will enjoy my decaf Starbucks and relax. It was a fairly busy but productive morning!