I’m disgusted. I busted my ass this weekend. I sweated gallons. I pushed myself harder than ever. I’m sore and exhausted. My late ovulation and temps hanging just above the coverline are sucktastic and depressing so I was hoping the scales would offer me some relief but they only added to my misery.
I GAINED THREE POUNDS! WTF.
So I’m right back to that stupid plateau weight. And I want to cry. I’m tired of thinking about it. I’m frustrated and tired of being depressed about it. But I can’t stop, because I see pictures of myself from a wedding this weekend in a dress I love and I look hideous. It’s like I never lost the weight and I’m back to my heaviest where I am grotesquely obese. I hate that my arms are the last place to lose but even my face looks bloated and it had slimmed down! Did I gain the three pounds in my face?! I don’t know whats going on but I look at these pictures and I want to throw up.
I feel fat and ugly. I hate my body and my uterus. Right now I hate myself because I can’t seem to get on the right path to do something right about it. I think I’m doing great and I gain! I keep trying to fit more and more in. I can’t give up the garden because it provides me with healthy foods and exercise. I can’t give up the pool because it will provide me with exercise and it would ruin my property value and aesthetics if I let it go to crap. I can’t not clean my house, I would go insane. So if I fit more exercise I’m giving up rest and sleep and I’m exhausted and sore all the time anyway. I know: energy breeds energy. That is why I am disgusted with myself. I’ve made all these changes: water, foods, processed foods, soft drinks, caffeine, smoking even. In the past year I’ve made myself over but for this one thing. It (and carbs) are holding me back. Why can I not break through this? Why am I keeping myself miserable?
Jillian Micheals was in my dream last night. I was a balloon handler in a parade (like the giant cartoon characters). This really fat girl jumped out of a window (from 80 stories up…LOL) grabbed the balloon ropes and slid down the balloon. We were all amazed and thought she was crazy and suicidal but she took a place in line with us. At the end of the parade we were going into a banquet/party for the participates but they wouldn’t let my group in because we were 1 over. Everyone looked at the fat girl to step out of line and she glared back at all of us. We were holding up the whole parade so I stepped out and she smugly walked in with everyone (as people we held up glared at me thinking I was the problem to begin with) while I was left alone in the pouring rain.
Jillian came up and asked what I was going to do about it. I said I was going to go to the gym and work out my anger and hurt. She gave me a hug, said “good girl”, and disappeared and left me alone in the rain and dark. So I was trying to get back to my car which was miles away where the parade had started. I ran into a man and his daughter. She was really young and tired and cold. She had ridden a horse in the parade and they were trying to get back to the start but all the cars were back in the city streets and it was raining so hard. I told them I would ride the horse back and he could take his daughter in a warm cab. As I got on the horse and headed toward “home”, I woke up. The dream was so vivid.
What does that say? I feel there was definitely a message in there. Was that the real giving, caring me showing myself what the fat bitter girl is doing to me? What do you think?