Monday, June 21, 2010

McFatty Monday: Spiraling Out of control and hatin'

I’m disgusted. I busted my ass this weekend. I sweated gallons. I pushed myself harder than ever. I’m sore and exhausted. My late ovulation and temps hanging just above the coverline are sucktastic and depressing so I was hoping the scales would offer me some relief but they only added to my misery.
So I’m right back to that stupid plateau weight. And I want to cry. I’m tired of thinking about it. I’m frustrated and tired of being depressed about it. But I can’t stop, because I see pictures of myself from a wedding this weekend in a dress I love and I look hideous. It’s like I never lost the weight and I’m back to my heaviest where I am grotesquely obese. I hate that my arms are the last place to lose but even my face looks bloated and it had slimmed down! Did I gain the three pounds in my face?! I don’t know whats going on but I look at these pictures and I want to throw up.
I feel fat and ugly. I hate my body and my uterus. Right now I hate myself because I can’t seem to get on the right path to do something right about it. I think I’m doing great and I gain! I keep trying to fit more and more in. I can’t give up the garden because it provides me with healthy foods and exercise. I can’t give up the pool because it will provide me with exercise and it would ruin my property value and aesthetics if I let it go to crap. I can’t not clean my house, I would go insane. So if I fit more exercise I’m giving up rest and sleep and I’m exhausted and sore all the time anyway. I know: energy breeds energy. That is why I am disgusted with myself. I’ve made all these changes: water, foods, processed foods, soft drinks, caffeine, smoking even. In the past year I’ve made myself over but for this one thing. It (and carbs) are holding me back. Why can I not break through this? Why am I keeping myself miserable?
Jillian Micheals was in my dream last night. I was a balloon handler in a parade (like the giant cartoon characters). This really fat girl jumped out of a window (from 80 stories up…LOL) grabbed the balloon ropes and slid down the balloon. We were all amazed and thought she was crazy and suicidal but she took a place in line with us. At the end of the parade we were going into a banquet/party for the participates but they wouldn’t let my group in because we were 1 over. Everyone looked at the fat girl to step out of line and she glared back at all of us. We were holding up the whole parade so I stepped out and she smugly walked in with everyone (as people we held up glared at me thinking I was the problem to begin with) while I was left alone in the pouring rain.
Jillian came up and asked what I was going to do about it. I said I was going to go to the gym and work out my anger and hurt. She gave me a hug, said “good girl”, and disappeared and left me alone in the rain and dark. So I was trying to get back to my car which was miles away where the parade had started. I ran into a man and his daughter. She was really young and tired and cold. She had ridden a horse in the parade and they were trying to get back to the start but all the cars were back in the city streets and it was raining so hard. I told them I would ride the horse back and he could take his daughter in a warm cab. As I got on the horse and headed toward “home”, I woke up. The dream was so vivid.
What does that say? I feel there was definitely a message in there. Was that the real giving, caring me showing myself what the fat bitter girl is doing to me? What do you think?


  1. That is so disappointing. To feel like you've been trying and doing well, and the scale disagreeing with you.

    Hang in there. You'll do it... At your own pace.

    Also - don't feel fat and ugly please. I don't know you... But I think you look beautiful!

  2. I think this is a case where you're coming down too hard on yourself, honey. You look BEAUTIFUL in that picture & I don't see bloated or swollen - I see a pretty girl with a gorgeous smile in an amazing dress.

    You've been doing so, so well. Keep it up. & you know I'm here for you.

  3. I saw your photos on Facebook, and I didn't see bloated or swollen or fat or any of that. I saw the gorgeous lady that you are in every photo of you I've ever seen. I saw the woman with hair to die for, with an incredible smile, and a beautiful face. (And also - I love the jewelry! With that dress, very nice!).
    I've been reading about your weight loss journey for a bit now and I've just been in awe of the progress you've made. I feel like a lazy slug when I read about how well you've done. Setbacks are tough, but not as tough as you are - you keep proving that again and again.
    We're all allowed to have bad days. That happens. It's how you get through the bad days and come up better on the other side that counts, and on that you totally kick ass.

  4. Your beautiful. End of Story.