Thursday, May 13, 2010

A long glimpse of Fraudulant Me

I’ve been there. I’ve been to the point of giving up…and beyond. I’m still going.

I question myself sometimes because it’s often easier for me to just keep living this monotonous life without children. After an emotional year full of drugs, hope, happiness and bitter defeat, I mourned. Then I moved on. I buried the pain on a daily basis and found it easier to breathe if I didn’t think about it. I actually put it off longer than medically necessary because I was more scared at that point of feeling the pain again than of living without a child. But the desire is still there. It creeps in. Then the excitement creeps in. The inevitable disappointment every month. The jealousy of other’s joy. The pain of a passing date. I’m not together ALL the time.

I realized that I’ve harbored all those emotions in a calm port…with a hurricane right offshore. Occasionally a gust blows in, but the sun is still shining with increasing turbulence brewing.

I captain a ship of strength for the world to see. I pat the knees of my friends as they go through the raw emotions and I want to help them because I’ve been there. I offer advice of how to cope to those suffering with IF, PCOS and loss. But I’m a FRAUD.

I’m not this strong. There are just places inside me that are dead. They’ve been repressed and buried so long that half the time I don’t remember how to grieve or feel. I hold myself up to this standard of strength. I can’t allow myself to show weakness and vulnerability.

I’ve always been the strong one. The Ice Queen has nothing on me. I’m the one friends run to to defend them, to stand up for them. If someone needs a body buried (figuratively speaking), I’m the girl that borrows a truck, drives out to nowhere, digs the hole, dumps it in, covers it with Lyme and disposes of evidence in a methodical manner. I’m the girl that looks the cop in the eye with a quirked eyebrow and says “he’s missing? REALLY? Well we should have seen that one coming. Check in Mexico.”

Inwardly, I’m LT. DAN strapping myself to the mast in a storm screaming at God. But I had that even from myself. I rarely show it. I show the strength to continue on despite missing my legs (or more accurately my heart). I try and comfort those around me with alcohol and whores (too far with the Forrest Gump references? Okay). But I wonder if I’m living a lie. Is this who I am? Why do I not want to show the world my pain? Except in snippets. I don’t mind looking occasionally schizophrenic but heave forbid I show my weakness and pain too often.

I often look at other people and question their level of pain. Are they over exaggerating for a myriad of reasons I make up in my own head. Please don’t hate me for saying this but I compare them with me. Of course, I see my situation as worse than some and say “how come they don’t have it together like me? They are ridiculous and petty.” I make my emotional repression into a martyr. AND I’m WRONG! It has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with my stupid emotional repression. The forcing of myself to be strong, to hide my pain when I can, to keep going on for others, to “get over it already”.
I don’t regret being strength to others, even if sometimes I fake it. I love all my friends and will be there through their hard times: divorce, fights, IF, foreclosure, etc. And when I give them a chance, they are always there for me.
Sometimes I stumble along the way in my journey. I jump off the path because I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t make it through more pain or the unknown. I’m trying really hard to take my own advice-to let go and FEEL and keep chasing your dreams.
I don’t want to give up. I don’t’ want my friends to give up. I want to continue to be a pillar of strength but I need to learn how to let go and not always play it off. (and I’m not there because I don’t want to talk about this with any of you reading it..LOL)

I show more emotion HERE and to those who know me online then to those who only know me IRL. I’m closer emotionally and more truthful to those online and those IRL who got to now me online.

The one instance of REAL life emotion is sitting on the floor of one of my Best Friend’s new kitchen unpacking her pots and pans with her and my other BFF and I lost it. I just sat there and cried with both of them holding me a month after my M/C.

AND I APOLOGIZED! That image sticks with me. It sneaks up and bites me on the ass and says “what’s your problem.” Maybe if you weren’t such a hardened bitch you could get pregnant. And then the other voice comes in and says “but if you never do at least you will have protected yourself and hardened yourself against the daily hell that is IF.”

I don’t have the answers. I act like I do. Some days are good days, some days I am truly excited about life and enjoying the things I set out to do. I truly care about all of you. It’s ME I lie to. It’s ME I pretend that everything is okay no matter what happens. And it is not. But I’m not giving up yet. I haven’t crossed that bridge of deception with myself and I continue to fight for my dreams, through the haze of disappointment.


  1. k, you just store this stuff up until it explodes out of you. I think you are completely normal for ignoring the pain and acting strong. We are very much alike, it seems that the words in this post could have been written by me (i think i have said this before), and by many women who have experienced loss of a child. That is what we are grieving. We may never have known our children, but they were real, VERY REAL and the loss of what they could potentially become is very real and hard to deal with. My blog has become very widespread within my IRL circle and it is nerve racking to think of all my random acquaintances knowing my deep inner most thoughts. I have even found myself not talking about things with people because they have already read all about it or worse wanting to blog about and I can't because it is just too personal for everyone to read. So, I think you are lucky that your blog is still a private place, a place where you know you have our 100% support and NO ridicule for any feelings, because all are ok within our group. I lie to myself too, I think it is our way of coping through this part of life, I am ok with it for now.

    So a long post deserves a long winded answer.

    take care sister

  2. This line:
    I show more emotion HERE and to those who know me online then to those who only know me IRL.

    It really speaks to me. Only a handfull of people in my 'real life' know what is happening. I get on facebook, or have conversations with these people and talk about everything else in my life, but not this. Not this one thing that has shaped my life the last two years. Not this one thing I think about more than anything.

    So, I guess I'm a fraud too. Sign up for Fraud Prevention with me?

    I understand exactly what you're saying. While I lay it all out there on my blog occassionally, I rarely express that IRL. With the exception of the occassional breakdown of course.

    My mom always had this great saying 'Take my advice, I'm not using it!' and I repeat that to myself all the time. Especially since we started dealing with IF.

    You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You're still moving forward and after all you've been through that takes a great deal of strength and courage. And on top of that, you support the rest of us when we need you.

    There is no right or wrong in this. You get to be whomever you need to be, when you need to be it. No one makes the rules but you. If you need to store it away when you're in your real world, than that's what you need to do. No one gets to judge you for that. (or else you can call me and I'll hide the body for a change!)

    Hugs to you, I'm going back to my crazy job to pretend like the stuff my employees whine about is important. ;)

  3. :(

    I think what you are feeling is completely normal. When having a bad day it is so easy to say that acting strong is a lie. It is not a lie. You are a strong person because you are able to go on.

    The sad days and the hard days make you feel weak and make you feel awful but those days are normal and those days are needed! This is an impossible journey that you are on and just when you think you have it all figured out and you are able to cope, your emotions come crashing down on you without warning.

    It is ok to feel that way and it is ok to let it out! What is not OK is for you to suffer alone, there a so many people out there who love you and want to be there for you just like you are there for them time and time again.

    Whether you say it is fraud or not, you are a big big reason why I hang on to hope. You have helped me in a way that you will probably never know. I look at everything you've been through and I admire you willingness to jump into the pit of fire again.

    You will get the amazing things that you deserve, I know you will. It's awful that the road to get there is so windy and bumpy and washed out and closed and detours are set up but you will get there. I believe that a person as good as you who has all that fight in them will get there.