Friday, May 28, 2010

Inadequacy in Me

Do you ever feel inadequate? Not necessarily in general, though sometimes if things get really bad, that can enter your head too. I tend to separate my life into categories. I wear many hats and am many different things. Wife, Momma Wanna-be, Infertile Turtle, Gardener, Homeowner, domestic goddess, Job title (thought I would reveal it huh?), and a bounty of other things.

Of course, I feel inadequate in the Infertile Turtle department. My whole waking life centers around my inability to have children and further our family efforts. My body is inadequate in performing the function it is designed to do and that every other woman in the world can do. This area of inadequacy feelings is a given. No brainer.

I try to make up for it in other areas of my life though. I involve myself in too many projects and my ambition gets the best of me, which stresses me out and sends me into a downward spiral of inadequate depression.

Gardening for example. I went BIGGER this year. I had visions of overflowing bounty to share with neighbors and friends, jars of freshly canned goodness lined up on my spotless counters. A prim little apron tied over my clothes and my perfectly coiffed hair fluffed around my smiling face. (Yes, I dream in 50’s motifs). Instead, I’m a vision of frazzled frizzy haired, dirty stained baggy sweatpants and holy tank tops as I wade through mud crying over the sheer volume of weeds that have taken over my life as I use pesticides to run off the bugs that are murdering my plants. I feel I have completely failed as a gardener this year and last because I can’t work my schedule around the weather and so there are days that go by with nothing done because its too muddy to get in the garden when I have the time to do so. Jungle mania ensues. I DREAM about pulling weeds.

Work: I get handed projects which really needs a mechanically inclined mind to complete. I do not have one of those. My father is an engineer as was my grandfather on my mom’s side. Somehow, those genes missed me completely. I’m really supposed to look at a part number and know exactly where on a vehicle it goes so I can code it to the proper areas for an analysis report? REALLY? I’m glad ya’ll have faith in my abilities but I’m drowning here. This is definitely not my forte guys! I’ll never admit it though. As the only female I refuse to back down on a challenge like this. I feel like I constantly have to prove myself to the men around here.

Wife: Sometimes I just don’t want to have sex. I’m exhausted all the time and the meds make me moody. I used to have a great sex drive. Lately, not so much. My husband hasn’t changed, but sometimes I get so aggravated because I just want to be left alone! I want snuggles and cuddles and backrubs without having to have sex afterward. Is that too much to ask? He’s really not that bad, but I FEEL inadequate because I’m not as frisky. I WANT to want it, I just want sleep more.

Domestic Goddess: Boy have I lost the right to that title. My house used to be SPOTLESS. I had a routine down and nothing kept me from cleaning. You could have eaten off my floors. Two dogs, a garden, a return to corporate America, and fertility drugs later, I would barely recommend eating in my house at all. Okay, slight exaggeration. I still clean. My counters are still scrubbed, just don’t look at my floors. There are dog hair dust buffalo lurking in corners behind furniture that I just have not had the courage to tackle. There are cobwebs hanging in the corners of my curtain rods. I’m so embarrassed and every night I see them and say, tomorrow, but I crawl into bed. (I think we are seeing a pattern here with my bed).

If my house is clean, it means I didn’t get outside to work in the jungle, er garden. So then I feel guilty. If I make great strides in the garden, I feel guilty because the house is dirty. Blessedly, since we bought the new lawnmower, DH has completely taken over the yard work! Hallefreakin-lujah. I still feel guilty if its not perfect because he hasn’t gotten to it yet though. I feel like I SHOULD go out there and do it because he is busy with school and work and wants to rest. Hell, I want to rest. That’s all I think about doing. Crawling into bed with a book and my dog and sleeping.

Sleeping all the time is a sign of depression, but I don’t think I’m depressed. I think I’m just freakin’ tired. I get maybe 6-7 hours of sleep a night during the week. On the weekends? It’s worse. I’m lucky if I get 5 to 6 because I go to bed LATER but still wake up at the same time because I have whiney dogs with small bladders who are on a SCHEDULE. The slightest whimper or movement from them in the mornings, and I’m awake…from the other side of the house! I can’t ignore them because I know they have to go pee. I’m uncomfortable when I have to pee, I know they are. Once I’m up, I can’t go back to bed. Occasionally I will lay on the sofa with two Dachshunds crammed up my butt/in my face and catch another 30 minute nap but its not deep sleep…because I feel guilty that I’m not doing housework since I’m “up.”

I feel inadequate in my own life. I want to do so much but I don’t know how to get it all done and make everything neat and pretty and presentable for the world to see. People think I have it all together because I garden, work, keep a house, bake etc. Yea, it sounds like I do a lot, but its NEVER ENOUGH. I’m embarrassed by the herd of dust buffalo’s scampering around on my hardwood floors. I’m embarrassed by the state of weeds in my garden. I’m embarrassed that it’s memorial day and I haven’t even opened my pool yet. I have nephews asking when they can come swim and I get the deer in the headlights look because A) I have to tell them the pool isn’t open still and B) something inside me dies a little thinking about having to actually open it and maintain the damn thing all year. It’s just another thing to add to my schedule that I don’t get to enjoy because I’m too damn busy.

Do you know how often I swim? Maybe once a week if I’m lucky for an hour. That’s it. I have a nice in ground pool. Every week I deal with the chemicals and vacuuming etc. but then I have to go tend the garden, clean the house, cook dinner, etc. and I can’t take the time to swim.

When do we say enough is enough? Where do we draw the line? How do we make ourselves feel less inadequate? I want the garden. It provides me with fresh foods that are healthy and cheap. I want to can so I can have garden goodness through the winter. I need it to help eat better to manage my PCOS. I have no choice but to open the pool because the liner would be damaged if I don’t. I want a clean house. I love my dogs. I HAVE to work. How do I either let go if all areas aren’t perfect so I don’t feel inadequate in every facet of my life? OR let go of SOMETHING to cut down on my time?

I don’t have the answers, which makes me feel inadequate. ::sigh:: The only thing I have is the great Meredith Brooks singing in my head. “I’m a bitch, I’m a lover, I’m a child, I’m a mother, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint…It don’t mean a thang”

Yes, I’m all of that too. ::bigger sigh::

1 comment:

  1. You are not inadequate. You are perfect and I love you.