Saturday, May 22, 2010


Up at 7 am with a bad feeling. My temperature dropped back down to just above the cover line. I tested anyway. Negative..clear as day.

It's weird though because the one thing that stuck in my head is my CP. I was so unsure about those faint lines. I didn't want to believe them and I stressed over them for 48 hours. I NEVER felt the joy, the excitement. That' makes me sad because even though it didn't stick, I feel that was my last chance to feel such true joyful hope. Would it have hurt more when it went away? maybe, but looking back, I didn't even thank my body for trying. Now, negative after negative I feel the despair creep in that I'll never get that leap of excitement back, even for a moment. That's depressing me.

But I'll keep plugging on searching for it. Like that elusive lottery winning ticket. I'll keep playing the odds every month (no, I don't actually PLAY the lottery...LOL)and trying for the jackpot. Monday, I will call the Dr. and see what we do from here. I found out last night that my husbands company is dropping our insurance. They are looking for another provider that is cheaper but we have till the end of June. The insurance through my company SHOULD start in a few weeks so hopefully we don't have to worry about it but MAYBE it wasn't meant to be this month so that we didn't get screwed with a preexisting condition...though many insurance companies stipulate you have to have the service for a year before they cover maternity so we may be screwed anyway. I just have a really bad feeling all the way around right now.

It's a black cloud hanging over my head and squeezing my heart. I have no choice but to just keep going. If I stop, I wallow and where would that get me? Nowhere, so I have to find joy in the other areas of my life and just ignore the pain for now.

I've already finished the laundry and dishes this morning. I need to jump in the shower and hit the Farmer's Market before the Dachshund Festival. Hopefully we don't get rained out. It's pretty gray today. This afternoon will be filled with pounding in fence posts and stringing beans and weeding...that will definately work off frustration and give me a nice sore body so I can feel alive. I've got about 50 steel posts to pound into the ground by hand.....that's plenty of soreness and feeling alive for the lot of us....don't you think? Yea, so maybe I'm just sadistic enough to punish my body...sue me.

All my love ladies. Thank you for thinking of me and sending good vibes. Maybe next time.

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