Friday, July 15, 2011

I was Lost and Now am Found

Not just words to the most well known hymn, but the truth of my journey to motherhood that reigned down upon my head in the form of an epiphany (singing telegram style.)

As my child stared up at me, with the most adorable smile on his face, and his little fingers wrapped tightly around mine, I rocked and opened my mouth to sing him a lullabye. What came out was a shaking whispered rendition of Amazing Grace as tears spilled down my face. He only smiled wider.

I named him Matthew which means Gift from God and tonight as I sang to him, I felt the spirit of the Lord wrap around us as if to say, "you have arrived. You are a mother and you have the love of THE son."

Becoming a mother was nothing like anything I imagined and for the first little bit you are so overwhelmed with everything that its almost like you are playing a part. You are so afraid of messing up, doing something wrong, that you are careful about going through the motions. Lately though, I feel it. I AM A MOTHER and I see the love on his face every day. He knows me as his mother and no one will replace me or take that away.

I have had my doubts with religion, my bitter days, my questions. I have turned away and searched out other ways to find solace and peace of the heart. I have shaken my fists much like Lt. Dan in defiance. I have begged God, bargained with him, and cursed him. He never turned from me. My journey was long and littered with pain, loss and turmoil but I arrived at my destination according to his plan. I have recieved his gift and I welcome his love and thank him for bringing me through.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.


  1. Just beautiful.

  2. I'm happy to see you finding your groove. He's beautiful and you're both very fortunate to have found one another. Love you!