Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye 2009

Its the end. A year gone. Everyone says "Next year will be better." "A fresh start." "You can put it behind you."

As I think about that, it makes me cry. As hard as this year was, it was a good year. We figured out WHY we weren't having a baby. At this time last year, I was sick as a dog fighting blood clots that sent me scurrying to the Dr. in massive pain because I wanted MORPHINE. This time last year, I was diagnosed with PCOS.

This led to 2009. Dr's appointments for bloodtests to confirm. The HSG, the SA and the hillarity of DH carrying a cup of sperm around under his arm, Rounds of Clomid, metformin, Charting, DH checking CM, my utter frustration at being a walking Science Project and ultimately, Pregnancy. For about 8 weeks, I knew what it was like to be a mother and love something so completely without ever meeting them. I knew that the future could be so bright and dreamt of childish giggles and scurrying feet. My house looked brighter, my big yard had a purpose. I couldn't wait to teach him how to swim, to put him on his first pony.

Everything we did up to that point was to prepare for that little baby and his future. Then it fell apart. Just as I had never known the joy of pregnancy, I had never known the pain of true loss so bone deep that you could hear your own heart shatter. The emotional pain and physical pain of a miscarriage is something that no one will understand unless they have been through it and I wish that on no one.

I survived. My husband survived and we learned things about each other through all of this. I think he officially became a man when he became a Dad. I've never seen a more loving and protective side of him. He listened to me drone on while reading baby books. He shopped with me and dreamed about the nursery with me. He doted, he sympathized and when we lost it, he became a lion defending his family and his home. He stood between me and anyone who might say the wrong thing. He guarded the gates of the castle from intruders while I was weak and he became BFF's with the Pizza Delivery guy and formed an intimate relationship with my stove heating up countless cans of chicken soup (during miscarriage) and grilled cheese sandwiches (during pregnancy).

We loved. We love each other more today than we did this day last year. We loved our baby more than anyone will ever know. We mourned and we continue to live. We moved on. We are planning to try again in a few months. We hope that by this time NEXT year we will have a bouncy baby to share. To quote one of my favorite movies Ever After, "the point gentlemen, is that they lived."

So I sit here and say goodbye to a year that was very hard and challenging but brought more love into my life than I ever imagined possible for me. It was a year of loss but more so it was a year of love. So with an ache in my heart, a tear in my eye, and a longing in my soul, I say goodbye to 2009.


  1. Very, very well written. I felt the same way at the end of 2008, but have come a long way this year.

    Best of luck to you in 2010! I hope you have your bundle of joy in your arms when the ball drops next year.

  2. this is so beautiful and heart felt, I am hoping 2010 is another year full of love and one of happyiness.

  3. This was the most beautiful post I've read in a looooong time.

    I really hope that, at this time next year, you are holding your bundle of joy in your arms. You deserve it so much.

    Happy New Year :::::big hugs:::::