It's snowing. Like really snowing in NC. BEFORE CHRISTMAS. I'm sitting here on a Saturday morningi watching snow and ice fall on a pristine world of white. Already, the icicles are melting. It will be a slow melt but this world of tranquility won't last long. By this afernoon people will be back on the roads churning up the grit and dirt making ugly brown and black piles in people's yards.
My quiet peace will be broken out in the real world. So for today, I won't venture out. I had my feel of slipping and sliding last night coming home from work. For today, I will enjoy the blessings that I have. A warm house, a pot of Taco Soup warm on the stove, cuddly dogs, presents to wrap, cookies to bake, and Christmas movies to watch.
This is my world. How can I be sad? To be honest, though I haven't written much here, I'm healing. I can go through a day without comparing other's pregnancies, or wishing, or wondering. I would be 19 weeks right now but I have to really think about it to know that. I have found peace and I have found my way.
I think maybe, for a little while, I lost me in this whole process of TTC. I quit doing some of the things that I was good at doing like cooking and cleaning and spending time with friends and family. I became so OCD about temping and medications and CM that a little bit of me got lost in transition. I found that part again, through grief. I think I'm stronger for it and I hope I'm a better person for it.
I think it will make me an even better mother. I toyed for awhile with not trying again but the desire to be a mom and to hold my own is powerful still and like a cobra nestled in my belly, the flute is playing and she's rearing her ugly head. I want to try again. I want to live again. I want to move on.
It may not be tomorrow but I'm looking forward to 2010. There will be some hard moments but for now, I am at peace, in a white world that has washed clean the pain and grime of this year. The holiday lights are aglow in the snow, twinkling like beacons of hope and joy. The warmth of a home, a real family home that I will one day share with children seeps into my heart and today is a good day. Today, we love, cherish and live.