Saturday, December 26, 2009

Boxing Day

For the first time, in I don't know how long, Christmas didn't feel like it was over yesterday. It still feels like Christmas to me. I'm normally of the persuasion that Christmas afternoon, IT'S OVER and I'm ready to be done.

This year, I've relaxed and enjoyed my gifts and looked forward to shopping with my sister today to take advantage of the good sales. While I didn't rack up too much, I did get a couple key things that will make next Christmas merry and bright. The point was a good time. Family togetherness, eating lunch out, shopping, looking at Christmas stuff and thinking about recipes, made it an extension of the holiday for me.

I came home to another package of christmas presents (Thank You Steph!) and I'm cozy in my pj's fixing to enjoy a dinner and dessert. I've enjoyed my new coffee machine all day long. OMG LOVE it. If you want more details on all the outrageously cool stuff and kitchen gadgets I got visit me here. I will be blogging product reviews and new recipes in the coming days.

I have to admit something though. I thought this Christmas would be tough. Really tough. I think it was tougher wondering what was wrong with me because it wasn't as tough as I expected. I had a few passing moments of sadness. Realizing that I had planned on painting the nursery this week and would know what I was expecting. That was tough.

Christmas day I was momentarily possessed and showed my mother the sonogram of Jlee's baby that she texted to me and said, "this is what size mine would be as she and I were due the same week." My mother just stared at me. Only God knows why I did that. I really can't tell you why. I was just sitting there, watching my nephews open gifts and started going through my phone randomly looking at pictures and texts (probably avoidance issues) and came across that text. As I said: God only knows. The moment passed and I went on.

I really have been okay. I know some are not. Some have more to mourn than me. I don't know how I'm okay. I just am. The distance makes the memory hazy and almost unreal. I don't know if the really bad procedure experience and aftermath of the anesthesia is making me block it out so I'll forget the pain or if I really am a coldhearted bitch like I've always said I was. I don't know, but I'm okay. I can't promise I'll be okay tomorrow or on May 11th or in an hour but for Christmas, I was okay. For Boxing Day, I'm okay.

For now, I'm enjoying life and what it brings and not worrying about tomorrow. It's all......

just okay. I just don't know if I'm okay with just okay. Is that okay?

1 comment:

  1. I love you. And okay is okay. Even if you're not sure it's okay.
    Big hugs.