So, the more I read, the more I hear, the more conversations I have, I try to discuss my concerns, etc. with my husband. Okay, granted, I definately have Babies ON the BRAIN. It doesn't help that I am popping Clomid every night and I have my hopes back up which also means I have a bit of anxiety now. If I succeed in getting pregnant than its "OH SHIT, WHAT NOW?" All the nursery plans, painting, decorating, registering, etc. that I have been looking forward to for TWO years will now be a reality. Is this silly? Maybe. Is it normal? Most definately.
My husband and I have a very open communicative relationship. We share everything, so ofcourse I want to share my thoughts of the day etc. So last night I'm discussing items I've learned about SIDS statistics etc. stemmed from a conversation started on BOTB and his response? "You know, the more you go on the BUMP the more you freak out." (Freak out used loosely here). In a way, I'm sure he's right. In a way, it just makes me laugh because of how he speaks of the BUMP (slightly degrading, slightly miffed, slightly freaking out himself underneath).
Admittedly though, I am a little anxious. We have been trying for so long, that the whole change your life scenario we were prepared for, just became nil. I was tired of the dissappointment, the degradation of not being able to do what my body was designed for etc. I quit looking at baby items, thinking about nursery decor, everything and just started living again as a newlywed. NOW, with renewed hope, its a bit of a freak out. The OMG, no more of this, we must do that, etc. Through the failing economy, the fragileness of jobs etc. in and its more of a freak out. Just because I'm a strong person who has wanted this for SO long, does not mean I am infallible to typical emotional stresses.
Will I be a good mother? Will I be able to provide everything? Will I be able to get it all done? ARE we responsible enough for this? STOP::BREATHE::
DH looks at me last night and says honey, we have a house, land, three horses, a pool, a garden, 2 dogs -one of which is in Earth Dog Trials, cats and a bird. We have successfully taken care of them by ourselves for three years. (I'm hyperventilating thinking of all the work that goes into it by this point, how the hell am I supposed to take care of a child on top of all this? What the hell have I done?) We love each other and all of our furbabies are happy and healthy and EVERYONE who meets them adores them and praises how well we do by them. Who could possibly be better proven to be first time parents than us? Ofcourse he's right.
We are excellent providers for everything in our care. I get run ragged but we always survive. Yea, the pool may not get cleaned as often as it should, my garden may end up with weeds by mid summer, but everyone is fed, cleaned and happy. Even when my toddler nephew (DH's side) lived with us for a few months, I had the cleaning, cooking, feeding him, playing with him, reading to him, putting him to bed thing DOWN PAT. Granted he could walk already but still. I did EXTREMELY well. My nurturing instincts (which ooze from body in overload fashion) kicked right in. I'm a nurturer to the core. I CAN do this and I will be GREAT at it.
It's nice having an occasional freak out and a reminder from DH that we will be good parents. I love my husband but bless his heart he is so laid back and calm and quiet. I am definately the high strung one, and I know while most of everything is happening TO MY BODY, and is all because of MY Problems, that he's in this with me. Now I can relax and pop another Clomid in my mouth tonight. Bring on the Egg.
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