Sometimes I struggle with this. I read things about miracles and mother's saying "God healed you because I prayed." I want to cry and at the same time strangle someone. I don't deny people their faith. I have it myself, Most of the Time. It hurts when someone says "God can fix it all and I prayed and he answered." and yet here I sit without a baby. I've done nothing wrong. My baby did nothing wrong and its like a slap in the face that God can be so magnanimous with some and not others.
Scientifically, God does not play a part. Statistics are 1 in 4 pregnancies will miscarry for reasons unknown. God doesn't pick and choose, its biology. All people of faith pray for the health and well being of their child. I prayed just to get pregnant but it was the Clomid Cocktail and lots of biological sex that did the trick.
If I were to place thanks and blame on God for everything I would probably be an Athiest. It's amazing to me that some people of science can be so faithful or daft depending on the way you look at it.
Faith has its place. I believe in God. I do not believe God plays with the minute details of life. He can take a hand if he chooses but he doesn't pick and choose. Because someone else's baby is fine and mine is not, does not mean God favor's you over me.
The point is, its easier to be faithful when you are blessed. True faith comes when you lose. People should be very careful how they express things knowing there are those who aren't quite as lucky around them. That doesn't diminish your joy or your blessings or take away from you in anyway.
I tried to remember this. I tried not to be too smug because I knew how hard and long I had tried and I never wanted to put someone who was still suffering in an awkward place of "oh she got pregnant, so she's fine now and doesn't understand." Now I'm part of the "miscarriage club" which is NOT a club I want to be in. I'm an infertile who lost her child and it is all I can do NOT to blame God and Bite my tongue so as not to ruin anyone else's joy. I'm not bitter towards anyone. I am HAPPY for everyone. Truly I am. Everyone but me and those who have suffered like me.
This is a hard club to be in. We know what its like to finally feel that joy and excitement and then its ripped away and we have to continue to have faith in a God that could have stopped it. Every child is a miracle whether they are physically or mentally perfect etc. Be careful what you instill in your children with faith. Because when their faith is tested because things don't go exactly the way they wanted or the way that makes sense, its often hard not to be angry or renounce God for that.
But who am I to lecture anyone on faith and God, when I struggle every day just to keep myself from mounting a boat mast and screaming at him in true Leutinant Dan fashion?
Lt. Dan made his peace eventually too.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that faith and peace in said faith is a static thing. I think it jumps all around, like a crazy FF chart. Some days are good, and some aren't. To be quite honest, I don't think God expects anything different. He knows that shiit down here is HARD, and people have to deal with far more than he ever anticipated. Thus, while I know you have faith, and GOOD faith, I think it's ok to feel like some days, you just can't hold onto it.
It will always come back tomorrow, and God won't bat an eye. So be Lt. Dan if it helps. I trust that He will be holding your hand the whole time.
This, too, was an amazing entry. I love you.
You have a way with words...
ReplyDeleteA lot of times I find myself reading your blog with intense interest, and then I want so badly to comment. I always want to comment *right away* but I never can. Your posts are so powerful that I really have to sit and think about my responses so I don't look like an idiot lol.
My opinion is that God is God. The Jewish, Catholic, Muslim, etc. God... all the same being. I guess I think that God just has a lot of nicknames from all the people who love Him so much.
Even Moses questioned God. When God came to Moses and said "you're going to speak for me," Moses, who was an old man with a cane and who had a horrible stutter, said "No I'm not!" and he ARGUED with God. Can you imagine arguing with God? That must be intense.
I guess my point is... I think *everyone* challenges God and His will or way at some point... even intensely religious and humble people like Moses. And I honestly think that, if God doesn't expect us to do it, He's not as brilliant as we give Him credit for.
I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this Buckin, but you are incredibly strong and I have all the faith in the world that you'll come out of this even stronger.