Thursday, July 1, 2010

Today it hit me at one of those wierd times

While pulling up fence posts in what used to be a horse paddock. I needed the posts for my tomatoes so I set out to wrap up the wire and pull the posts and I started bawling.

I found my horses homes last fall when they kept breaking through the fence. My husband and I work full time and he had started going to school full time at night which left me to deal with chasing horses and fixing fences. After one particular night where the neighbors kids chased them with their dirt bikes out to the main road and I was pitifully trying to catch them while stopping and bending double during pregnancy I said "I can't do this." I was afraid I was putting my baby in danger as well as my horses and we made the painful decision to let them go until DH is out of school (three more years now). It wasn't a wasn't long after the horses left that I miscarried.

So today, I spent the morning taking down a fence to horses I don't have because of a baby I don't have either. It really hit me hard that thanks to IF we have cut back on our lives, afraid to do things that would cause me further problems, not living so we could save money for medical bills and future possible procedures.

I don't know what the answer is but I can't keep doing this. I think its time I set timelines for myself because I can't keep putting off my life for years to come. I really need to find balance again between struggling with infertility and living life because I tend to lose myself in one or the other at different times. I need to explore how to be both an infertile woman and a vivacious person who lives life to the fullest. How do you balance everything? If I can't balance this, how can I balance motherhood and living? So many questions and fewer and fewer answers.

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