I know many of you are not very religious or have varying religions. That’s Okay. I am not here to preach to you. I have long questioned my faith and my faith has been tested and found lacking during my struggles. I’ve had run ins with the hypocrisy and politics of the Southern Baptist church and run screaming from overzealous churches where people jumped up in the aisle’s and went into trance like states. I have explored Wicca and other pagan religions and even married a practicing Druid (who has a Mormon upbringing and an Anglican minister for a father that also holds a master’s in psychology- it’s a wonder he’s even sane much less confused). I am NOT one to preach to anyone. However, I have come back to faith, not religion. I’m being a more faithful person and have found a non-denominational church that really speaks to me. Some lessons speak to me more than others and I want to share those portions of certain sermons that may speak to you or help you through this time. If you want to steer clear of those particular posts, have no fear, I will try and remember to label them Sunday Series so you have the choice.
The current series of sermons is referencing movies and how they can illustrate what the bible tells us. This past weekend’s movie was Alice In Wonderland (they showed clips from the Johnny Dep version. Seriously, who can NOT get on board with going to church when you get to see Johnny splashed up on three jumbo screens! YUMMY –Sorry God).
“The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe the impossible.” Charles Kingsley
That is my motto for the week because it really jumped out at me and I definitely need the impossible right now. Struggling with infertility and loss, things that are joyous and lighthearted for some, are scary and apprehensive for me, even though I want it really badly. Getting pregnant again is scary. I’m afraid of losing it. I’m afraid of complications. I’m afraid of not being a good mother.
After yesterday’s Dr.’s appointment, I’m afraid its ectopic and I will have to have surgery. My Dr., bless his heart, did wait on my lab results last night and called me at 8pm to let me know the hormone levels look good for a normal pregnancy so he feels the risk is smaller than before. He also studied my screen shots and feels there is a very good chance the fluid is from my cysts collapsing in on themselves, leaking the fluid out. He does not want to take chances though and ordered more blood work for Wednesday (a fourth beta draw) and an ultrasound for Monday. His hope is that Wednesday’s draw will show another progressive doubling which will trend for my levels being over 3000 by Monday which should give them a view of a sac (hopefully in the right spot!). Once they establish the sac is indeed within the uterus, they will no longer worry about ectopic and just monitor me for progression/miscarriage.
I feel like I have to conquer the impossible: remaining calm, keeping faith, believing my child is okay and everything will be fine, continuing to live daily with the unknown. To an infertile, the impossible is achieving that precious baby in our arms and remaining sane and strong through the process. BELIEVING we will achieve the impossible so that we actually can. That’s a large order. So for this week, BELIEVE the IMPOSSIBLE with me!
“Jesus replied, ‘What is impossible with men is possible with God.” ~Luke 18:26-27
I have no control over what happens inside my body now. The fate of me and my child is in the hands of God. “I am the master of my faith, the captain of my soul” ~Nelson Mandella from the Movie Invictus. I have to believe in my faith and have faith that the impossible will come to pass.
It’s a struggle. I am struggling with this task but I’m moving forward and believing. I want this child and I’m not giving up.