Wednesday, January 11, 2012

If My Parents Only Knew....Blog Dare

I always suspected that my parents knew I smoked but I always had a ready excuse handy. Looking back I feel bad for lying and continuing that deception for years. I think I finally lit up in front of them in my mid-20’s after a decade of smoking.

The look in their eyes shamed me. They were hurt and disgusted. I had never done anything that had so disappointed them than puffing that cigarette. I never smoked in front of them much, but when you work on a farm all day, and are exhausted, your craving finally gets the better of you.

My sister and I both smoked and were married/engaged to smokers. My parents have never smoked. It created an odd dynamic. I quit a few years later (I’ve been smoke free for three years) when we prepared to have children. (Yep, that's me on my wedding day, lighting up after saying my vowels....looking back it makes me so ugly) My husband quit as well so we have a smoke free house now and even have friends who don’t smoke. There for awhile it seemed everyone around us smoked. Now we surround ourselves with nonsmokers. It’s easier to manage those haunting desires and better for Matthew.

If my parents ever knew without a doubt that I was a full time smoker when I was in highschool they never said and never tried to punish me for it. I don’t know what would have happened if I had revealed it then. I still live with the shame I saw in their eyes and I was an adult. I can only imagine it would have been more traumatizing for me as a teenager who was seeking their approval at all times to see the disgust but maybe I would have quit (I was a pleaser back then).

I’m happy our relationship is back to respect and enjoyment. I no longer get the cutting looks when I slip outside at family gatherings. Every now and again, our previous habits are mentioned and that disgust filters into the tone of voice. I wince but focus on the praise for our quitting.

Sometimes we aren’t always what our parents expect us to be. I wasn’t that bad looking back, but the few things that would have ripped their hearts out, terrify me looking to the future with my son.

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