Thursday, April 1, 2010


It's slipping away from me with every tick of the clock, page on the calendar.
It's already April. A quarter of the year down, no change in my life. Except I'll be another year older and see another year of my life down the drain. My dreams are becoming stagnant and I'm not doing anything to reach for them. I'm backing away.

Has it really been over 5 months since I lost my baby?
Five months since the pain and emotions were so overwhelming I wanted to crawl in a hole?
And now I continue day by day, pushing off TTC a little bit longer because I can't muster the energy to build myself up for another emotional ride.
I can't focus on all the good things that could happen, I only see horrible outcomes that I don't want to face.

I think my husband is getting frustrated but he doesn't say a word. I don't know what he wants and I don't ask anymore. I feel like any way I turn I can't give him what he wants. I can't give him a child when I try and I can't give him the trying anymore.

I have all these logical excuses now: FMLA after Jan. 25th. Too late to have it this year and get the tax deductions and not have to pay another deductible with insurance anyway. We could switch insurance to my company in June and have cheaper better insurance. I could lose more weight make it easier on my body. etc. We don't have the allergies and meds under control.

The reasons make sense but they also just push trying later and later and later till I no longer see a reasonable date and I'm starting not to care. It's like I'm taking baby xanax and am numb to it, except i still want one. Where's a damn stork when you need one? Can't the little bastard just drop off a bundle of joy like my momma said he would?

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