I've been debating for a week what to write here. I go back and forth on a daily basis on what I believe and what I want. What I should do versus what my heart needs to do. I'm lost in a sea of indecision. I'm lost in my blog. My blog has become less entertainment and more of a whining diary of my life. I don't like that. I can flow the words like a waterfall over smooth rocks when I choose to but nothing since shortly after the miscarriage has been remotely informative, entertaining or worth reading.
Months of allergies, weightloss and pathetic diatribes. I apologize. I'm forever apologizing for something but this is not where I intended this blog to go. No matter if I struggle with IF or had a pregnancy and baby to discuss, this blog has taken a horrible turn even for me.
Yet, I have no desire to write anything more than recipes and complaints. And that tells me my life is not in a good spot. In church, the sermon was about contentment and entitlement and I began to open my eyes to how bitter I've become. How discontented I've become. Every example the preacher used, rang alarm bells in my head. Because I have become one of "those" women who say, "Why does SHE get to have a baby?" "Why does she get to have a fourth kid and I don't get one? She can't even afford it." "Why God why?" and my preacher is right. We turn it around and eventually blame God and I would be lying if I said those thoughts haven't entered my mind. My religion is a constant struggle for me because I'm trying NOT to blame God. I don't like who I have become.
My dear friend Beth has been going to church with me for the past month. We have gone Every sunday and have found a church that speaks to both of us. We struggle weekly with the message because it hits home on a deep soul level. It has awoken me to see what I have done to myself and my life over the past few years. I'm trying to find ME again. Trying to figure out what God wants from me on this journey and struggling to take each day as it comes.
I don't know where this blog will go. I want to find deeper meaning in the words that are transcribed, not pathetic little pithy posts of complaint. In my life, right now, I'm not even sure I want to continue to TTC, atleast not with medication. Everytime I turn around, something inside me is screaming to not take the Clomid and so I put it off for one more month. I think I'm going to put it off for a few months, give myself a break from the war in myself. I need to trust my instincts and they are saying, I'm no longer ready. If I were to get pregnant tomorrow, I would be ready to have a baby, but I'm not ready to go back on the meds. There is something I need to do before that. I'm not sure what, but I think it is to refind myself. To re-love myself and find strength for whatever may happen. To find my relationship with God.
I will continue with the McFatty Monday posts because the weightloss is helping me and helping my body, but I make no promises where this blog may head in the next little bit. I may find my voice again or it may sit blank between Mondays. I just don't know.