Tuesday, February 16, 2010


My temperature dropped today but not much and is still "above the supposed cover line." Do I buy a test or wait another day to see what it does tomorrow?

If I didn't ovulate, then this length would not be abnormal for one of my anovulatory cycles. If I DID ovulate, then this would be the longest LP ever.

Because I still don't think my body did what the temps say it could have done, I'm very confused by this all. Part of me hopes I succeeded on my own (and dont' have to make this decision) and the other part of me panics both for a negative or for a positive.

Why? Because last night my husband informed me that our roof is shot. When he patched the shingles that the high winds and blown off he discovered that half our roof is "spongey" which means all the plywood has to be replaced as well all new shingles. Which means we are screwed. We can't turn it in on HO because a) the roof is old and B) we just switched HO companies a week ago so they would freak if we turned in a large claim like this.

Our roof is a whole mess that has a big long backstory with it that I won't get into but needless to say it was one of the things supposed to be replaced when we moved in..but it wasn't.

So DH is in a bad mood because he has to put off buying his computer AGAIN. Honestly, since he downgraded the one he wants, I really don't see where 320.00 is going to make that big of a difference because its not like I can save up 8000.00 in the next month anyway. I do see us having to put off having a baby which makes me sick. We have pushed through despite the medical bills piled up and despite that for a long time I didn't even have a guaranteed job.

Why would we make that decision when we are logical people? Because the fact is, I'm almost 32 with PCOS. I do not ovulate on my own and we have been trying for 3 years. It doesn't get easier with age and we ultimately wanted atleast 2 children. I may feel the pressure of not having the perfect financial situation, but I feel the weight of my age and Infertility more. So we made the decision together, that we would deal, whatever happened.

We have a lovely home (with previously only mild fixer upper issues), we have Health insurance, and an okay income. We would make it work. DH went back to school so that he could provide a better income that would hopefully allow me to stay home by the time we have a second child (two years after the first) alleviating day care costs for two. His goal was for me to be a SAHM mom and work on getting my Master's Degree online or with a few night classes so that when both children were in school and I went back to work we would both be making higher incomes that would afford college educations, retirement accounts etc. While the first few years would be lean, we had a plan.

However, after my still unexplained medical issues last month, the m/c, and now the roof, the financials are weighing just as heavily as my 32nd childless birthday. I can feel myself slipping into depression because my brain is telling me: You can't do it all. You can't TTC now.

I don't even think DH has thought of this. As much as he didn't want to tell me about the roof, I don't want to tell him, I'm not going to try for a baby. Part of me wants to throw in the towel and say FUCK IT. The world is conspiring against me, I'll give up. We'll be childless forever, but that just makes me want to curl in a ball and die.

So, I think the greatest part of me, would love for me to already be pregnant. The decision would be taken away from me and we would find a way. I don't want to make this choice because either way, its not going to make either of us happy. I just don't know what else to do. If I could get a second job at a retail establishment or even burger joint (which there aren't any of those jobs available right now either), the hours I could work really wouldn't help us save up faster because the checks would be so small.

I've got some depressing days ahead and I dont' know what to do.

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