Thursday, February 25, 2010

I chickened out

I couldn't do it. I couldn't take the meds. Dh was dissappointed but I couldn't do it. I couldn't even bring myself to eat last night. I think it may have been easier had I not still been suffering allergy side affects but I don't know. I keep hearing about how uncomfortable people are for various reasons during pregnancy. Things they have no control over: numb arms, no sleep. Emergency C-sections, baby loss, m/c and frankly, I'm scared to death.

So many things have gone wrong in my own body over the last several months and outwardly in my life that I almost feel jinxed. It's irrational and it scares the bejeezus out of me that I have this insane fear that if I don't m/c again, I'm going to have no control over my body and be wracked with pain and complications and have to go through another loss or even die myself. The fear is there. I can't get it out of my head, and I couldn't force myself to take the meds.

I tried to explain it to DH last night. I even said, I want a baby but I don't know if I want to HAVE a baby anymore. He rolled away from me. He's so dissappointed with me but I feel out of control and that is not a feeling I handle well. I'm a very controlling person when it comes to aspects of my life. I'm trying to give up the burden and fear to God but its not working out so well. It's still there, lurking, waiting to catch me in a weak vulnerable moment. I'm not a weak person either under normal circumstances but I've felt myself sliding that way since the M/C.

What the fuck is wrong with me? This isn't like me. I've always been a take charge, burst forth, ride 'em hard through hell and high water kinda girl. Not a weak, hide in my house, afraid of my shadow type of girl. I don't know this new person and frankly I don't like her very well. She's holding up our family plans and making me doubt everything about myself and my life.

Do me a favor, if you see her, wrangle the bitch up, hog tie her, stuff a sock in her mouth, and shove her in a closet. I need me back. I need to move forward in life instead of fearing whats around the next corner.

I did lose two more pounds though. Total: 27.

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