Friday, February 19, 2010

Sick and Saddened

At 6:30am I stood in my yard in my pajamas, pink uggs, and my husbands big farm coat while my dogs joyfully bounded around doing their business. I stood there puking slimy bile and remembered many mornings I did the same thing when I was so happy and pregnant with Bumblebee and the thoughts were so overwhelming that it almost brought me to my knees.

Deep down, I know I'm not pregnant. The random pains in my stomach today are parading the red bitch in. Like Santa Claus, she will be here soon, I'm sure. Knowing all of this, I still can't keep myself from comparing every little symptom (that can be a non-symptom explained by a number of things) to my one pregnancy. And that just brings all the joy and the ultimate bitter pain back to me. And I can't do that again. I can't live through it over again, when for the most part I've managed to lock it away in my heart and head. Because even if I were, this wouldn't be Bumblebee. These thoughts are not healthy, so in that spirit, if AF hasn't showed her ugly face tonight, I will POADS (pee on a damn stick) and get the negative just so the thoughts will stop.

Yes, I'm like 17 DPO IF IT WERE A REAL O. But look at last months chart. There should have been an "O" there too, and the two are very similar and it was negative. Yes, I'm nauseas as hell right now, but sinus drainage over night and a restless night can do that as well.

For a little while, I wanted to keep hold that small bit of hope. Especially in the face of not trying for a few more months. That little hope was all I had left of a 2010 baby and I clung to it like a plank of wood as the titanic sank. But like Leonardo, its time I let go. It's time to face the music, and go on with my life because I'm only making it worse when I know the truth.

I can take away one thing. My body may be trying to ovulate on its own. Maybe these past two months charts are not for nothing. Maybe the hope and disappointment are not for nothing. Maybe my body doesn't hate me and will eventually figure out what its supposed to do. Maybe THAT is the little bit of hope I am supposed to take away from this.

1 comment:

  1. I know it's hard to find sometimes, like a freaking sewing needle in a haystack that could fill the Empire State Building... but there is *always* hope.
    I really REALLY pray that you get a positive when you POAS tomorrow. If you do, I will jump up and down in happiness with you... if you don't than I'll be here to give you huge e-hugs.
    Good luck, pretty lady.